


Not According to Plan

by plaguedknight



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Blood, Blood and Violence, Character Death, F/M, Relationship Based On Lies, first fic i ever publish, idk how to tag, she just wants her diamond back and to be loved, spinel lies to save herself but makes everything worse, steven is rude now, usually i hide them away like a goblin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2020-12-24 00:44:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21090563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plaguedknight/pseuds/plaguedknight
Summary: Spinel's rejuvenator doesn't work as intended, and she accidentally kills Steven. All she wanted was to bring Pink Diamond back so they could finish their game. Now, she's covered in all this red stuff and Steven is still there, motionless. Spinel is scared, confused, until his body begins to glow and she has hope. Instead, there he is: Steven, except he has Pink Diamond's eyes and he looks so, so very angry.





	1. Feathers

**Author's Note:**

> first fic to ever be published and not hidden away!! i was inspired by artwork i saw on tumblr where spinel accidentally kills steven. i wanted to play with the idea of steven coming back more diamond than human. main motivator is steven to just be like, "i'm rude now," 
> 
> Song used in the beginning: https://youtu.be/nf5bOkBdYfQ
> 
> THINGS TO NOTE: spinel never brought the injector! her only intention was to poof steven and bring Pink back so they could be together again, but it goes horribly wrong

_He feels like, a stranger has come in the night_

_And stolen his life, left him with this_

_Boughs break on ebony toothaches_

_He's just a flask, trapped inside a fall_

_And I know you need to find what you thought you left behind in a past life_

_I won't question why_

_The only life that you have_

_You give away_

This wasn’t supposed to happen. That awful, awful noise that emitted from his mouth. Choking, spasms, a thick red substance spurting, flowing, as he struggled to speak, any and all words came out as just a whimper with wild eyes and hands clamoring to that deep, long gash at the center of his chest. No, no no no no. What was this? All this red, it was all over her. Spattered over her face and her body and her arms. Spinel looked at her hands with wide eyes, confusion laden on her face along with sheer terror, gaze trailed back to the boy, whose body had slowly stopped convulsing. His eyes were glazed over, and he no longer looked at her with those frightened eyes that bore into her. Spinel didn’t know what any of this meant, what this substance was, what his movements entailed, but that terrified look told her everything that she needed to know-- and it was that this wasn’t supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to be doing that, and that strange, thick substance wasn’t supposed to be pouring out of him, as he so desperately tried to cover it and put it all back in with no success. 

She took a step forward, “St...Steven…?” Spinel saw that his body twitched once, twice, three times before he lay completely motionless. 

“What is this, what…Get up, Steven,” This wasn’t her plan. The pink gem didn’t know what to say, how to react. She wanted him to get up, to come back at her with everything he got. This...this was the son of Pink Diamond? A limp body laying still in...in whatever this was. He didn’t poof like the others, like he was supposed to. 

Spinel knelt beside him, unsure hands lifting slowly and making their way towards his body, towards his stomach-- where his gem was, where _ Her _ gem was. Who _ he _ was supposed to _ be _ . Sure, the gem didn’t think too hard with her plan, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. She didn’t know what half-human meant, but she did know he was half _ gem _, so he had to work like one...right? Right? Oh stars, this red stuff was all over her, it was so warm, and she craved to feel the coldness that she knew the most in the garden. This warmth was foul, she hated it, she wanted it to go away, but as much as she rubbed her arms and her face to get it off, it spread. 

Her hands hovered over the hem of his shirt, moving it slightly- against the wet redness, uncovering the once pink gem now stained. Spinel thought that maybe if she just poof him, rejuvenate him, she could have her Pink Diamond back, and they could finish their game. That’s all she ever wanted, but he looked like he was in so much pain, his scared eyes upon her, asking her questions she couldn’t decipher. Every time Spinel blinked she saw that face again, the red staining his teeth, coming out of his mouth, mixing with the tears that streamed down his cheeks. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, he wasn’t supposed to feel it, she didn’t want him to be in so much pain. 

The frightened gem held her head in her hands, shaking uncontrollably. “Steven… Please-... I-I…,” fingers wrapped tightly around her pigtails and she yanked, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-- I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry-” She continued to babble, tears making it so hard to form sentences. _ I didn’t want to hurt you...I didn’t want you to be in pain...I didn’t...mean for this to happen _. Again her hands were at his body, feeling his gem, to his shoulders, shaking what seemed now just a lifeless doll. A doll, to throw around and play with, that’s all she had been, that’s what she was made for. But him, Steven Universe, Pink Diamond, was a Diamond, they shouldn’t be so brittle. Yet there he lay, the only movement he made was with her shaking.

“C’mon...get up..! Steven! Aren’t you supposed to be her son? Pink Diamond?” What did son even mean? During the transmission, that fateful night, when her world truly crashed around her, when it finally dawned that Pink was never coming back, that’s what she heard: the son of Pink Diamond. So he was hers, had been her. What did that even mean? She didn’t understand! Why, why wasn’t he getting up? Why did he look so...so...pathetic..? 

“Get up! Please!” Pleading, begging, confusion mixed with fear. “Come on!! Get up, poof me, _ shatter _me! Anything!” 

Spinel leans in closer, gritting her teeth, tears pricking her eyes. “...Pink, please, I’m sorry,”

Her fist makes contact with the ground beside his head, and it does again, again, and again, until she’s yelling and the tears are flowing. No! No! No! This was never supposed to happen! She just...she just wanted Pink back, and she loved this boy, didn’t she? Spinel went and ruined something Pink loved. What a horrible, awful, good-for-nothing best friend she was.

Spinel kept yelling, there were no words following it, just incoherent, angry yelling, at nothing except fate. It went on for a while, a few moments that felt like millennia. Until she saw something from her closed eyes, a faint light that made them open. Spinel looked down, and his body began to glow, encompassed in that bright pink light. It began to hover, up, up, and over her head, until it landed straight, standing. Her voice was caught, and she made a croaking noise, her shoulders shaking as she meekly lifted her arms to reach out for that glow. There was hope! Her plan! Pink, Pink was coming back! They could finish their game and laugh together and Spinel already forgave her. Spinel forgot about the red stuff covering her entire form, she forgot about how sickly and warm it felt, when now the only warmth she had was the fuzzy and hopeful kind. The form shifted, and a smile crept upon her lips, quivering as they were, ready to provide hugs.

“Pink…! You’re…”

It would never last, her smile, as the glow continued to shift to someone unrecognizable, and into...into Steven. Her prior hope was shattered, but another hope that she didn’t really ruin something Pink loved replaced it. Her open and hopeful hands closed, and were brought to her knees as she continued to look on. As Steven reformed, the glow dissipated, and there he was, eyes closed. When they opened, he looked-- angry, leering down on her, Spinel shrunk two sizes, arms coiling around her form.

No… Oh no… 

  


That glare, it tore through her very form, made her feel like she could poof just by his eyes alone. They were different than before, before she--did that, his eyes were big and round and a really dark brown color but it looked sort of pretty on him but now? They were pink, like _ Hers _, but so, so very angry. It seemed like he was ready to shatter her in any second, the pathetic part was that she was ready to accept it. For all the pain she saw him go through, for doing whatever she did to something Pink cared about, she deserved it. Her lips quivered. Waiting for a word, for anything to break the silence, even if it was him tearing her gem right from her chest to break it in his hand. 

He didn’t do any of that, but that glare-- she wanted it to stop. She didn’t dare move, not an inch, not a millimeter, not even blink. He took one step forward, and her eyes shut immediately, she was ready for the shattering, she was…

Still existing? Not shattered, not broken, still...there. Spinel opens her eyes to see him kneeling in front of her and she reels back. Backside landing in more of that red stuff that was left behind, now a shallow puddle to remind her of her misdeed. It makes an ugly noise, like splashing in the pond in the garden, but it was thicker and much more vile. 

Steven looks unimpressed, annoyed, even. His anger seemingly subsided, but only by a small margin. Now, he looks disgusted.

“What happened to you?” He asked, rather sternly. 

“I...I…” Spinel uncoiled herself, taking a hand to her chest to lift it back up and stare at the nasty red stuff covering her palm and dripping slowly down her wrist. 

“Well?” He asks again, her mouth agape, unable to think of something that wasn’t: ‘I hit you with my rejuvenator and you started spurting out this icky red stuff and I got really scared,’ because then she was sure to be shattered on the spot. Instead, she averts eye contact and looks at the fallen gems a few yards away. In response, Steven angles his head back, diamond eyes narrowed and brows furrowed. Upon seeing them, he presses his hand firmly to his head and groans, standing again, although hunched over. Spinel waits with bated breath, until he speaks again.

“Get up.”

“...Huh?-”

“_ Get up _.” Hoarser, like a low growl, tired of her slow processing abilities. Now though, she listens, standing straight. She waits for another command, and after a moment of silence, she wants to speak. This wasn’t Pink, her plan failed, but was this really...Steven? Of course, the gem barely knew him, but from the short time she did, this was a stark contrast to who he portrayed himself as. 

Her posture slacks, and she brings a hand up very very slowly, “P...Pink…?” Her shallow voice brought him to attention, and he opens his eyes to stare dead at her.

“What?” It looked like...he recognized that word, knew what that meant. A beat passes, and she takes another step.

“Pink, I… I’m sorry! I lost the game, you- you won!” She tries smiling, but she’s sure it looks pathetic. Her arms are out, like she wants a hug, but her shoulders are shaking, and she lets out a laugh that sounds manic and desperate. “I’m sorry I left the garden, Pink! I just really wanted to see you again! But-but, you won! Haha..! You won, like always!”

Spinel waits, eyes wide, staring at him, who was looking rather perturbed. He groans again, holding his head now with both hands. He was slouching so much she feared he would fall. Before she could take another step to help him steady himself, he lifts his head to stare at her with those cold eyes of his, although laden with confusion as well as annoyance. She steps back, slacking her open arms to lay beside her waist, defeated. 

“What the hell are you talking about? What garden? There’s blood all over you!” His voice struck her harder than she could imagine, making her hunch and shrink to shield herself from his leer. Spinel looks down at herself, coiling her arms around her form like she did before, now instead of holding herself, she was hiding the grisly sight from him. Unfortunately, there was no hiding it. Blood...Is that was this was? It had an ugly ring to it. What did it mean? Why did it spurt out of him like that? Why was the puddle still there, but the nasty gash on his chest gone?

“There’s this feeling, deep down, making me really, really want to hurt you.” He said so in such a matter of fact tone that it made her shiver. “But something else is stopping me from doing that right now.” She felt something short of relief, mostly hurt, but also relief. 

“Pink…I...”

“Stop.”

Arms slightly uncoiled, only slightly, letting her shaky legs make another advance.

“I’m sorry, Pink, let’s go back,” Closer.

“Shut up.”

“To the garden! Let’s go back, we can finish the game, I’ll stay put like you said and you can come back!” In front of him now, arms back to waiting for that hug she’ll never get,   
“Like...Like you promised, Pink-”

It wasn’t even a second after she finished, “I said-- shut up!” One of his hands released his head to strike her, quick as a flash, before she could even register it. Spinel was down, holding her face. When she looks at him, it doesn’t look like he meant to hit her anywhere in particular, or that’s what she tells herself to feel better. He just wanted her away from him.

His voice louder, hands down and fists clenched tightly, whitening his knuckles. “Stop calling me that!”

He didn’t mean to do that, she told herself, that’s right, he didn’t mean to push her so hard or strike her face or yell at her. Even so, she upset him, and she felt small, except she didn’t shrink this time. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean....”

She stopped, looking at the ground and up at him again before opening her mouth.

“....Steven,”

“What?” He slacked, only slightly, his knuckles weren’t white anymore at least. “What did you say?”

Her hand fell from her face, and she scratched her knuckles dismissively. “Do you… like the name Steven? I can...call you that, if you prefer it.” 

His brows furrowed, but he seemed...more comfortable. Though Spinel thought it entirely fruitless to try and read how he felt, she still wanted to try. Her plan failed, she hurt him really bad, he came back-- not as Pink, not even as Steven truly, he returned as someone who wanted her gone, but something was holding him back, whatever that was, she was grateful for. She was alone for so long, so many grueling years, that a simple smack was nothing but a small prick from a thorn. 

He said the name aloud, turning his head back to look at the fallen gems on the floor. At a steady pace, he approached, kneeling in front of the bundle. Spinel expected him to pick them all up and huddle them close to his chest to whisper reassurance to them. Instead, he just stared at them, picking up the smoothest gem, his Pearl, _ Her _Pearl. 

The pang in her chest was sharp and constant, even with Pink Diamond’s bestest best friend present, she-- _ he _ regarded the others more than he would her. At the moment, Spinel was positive that her very own gem could crack from the sight alone. _ Even not remembering anything, Pink Diamond cares more about them _. From his palm, the pearl hovered over his head, asking him two questions: Who he was and what he wanted from her. After a moment of hesitation, he parroted the name Spinel had offered him. The default setting was set thereafter. 

The gem glowed and formed, to the Pearl that Spinel remembered so long ago, her brows furrowed upon seeing her. What made her so important? Why did she matter? She was just- just a common Pearl! Wasn’t Spinel special, wasn’t she wanted? Didn’t she matter? Why, she had half a mind to just rejuvenate them again, but with the way Steven was now, it would surely earn her a hard punishment she wasn’t willing to receive. Spinel wanted to crush them all with her boot, but she held her tongue and kept her feelings a secret, for now. The fuschia gem stood, taking a few paces towards Steven, who had sensed her coming and held a hand to stop her short. 

“Hold on,” He told her, and with her hands clasped together, she waited, like she always did. He kept his eyes on the Pearl, who was holding his hand now, thanking him and singing to him.

“Pearl,” He spoke, as naturally as it came, and she stood to attention. Steven turned, gesturing at the mess Spinel had made, “Clean this up,” His gaze shot to Spinel, granting her a spark of annoyance, assuring her that she would be spoken to about this, and that she had to come up with a lie fast. Pearl was fast acting, happily obliging and grabbing Spinel by the arm, to which she flinched, reeling it back with a glare. Noticing her misstep, she glanced at Steven, who looked more annoyed than anything.

“We can talk about this game once she’s done,” And with that, she listened, allowing Pearl to take hold of her again. The pale gem summoned something from the pearl on her forehead, a cloth, followed by a bucket of water, which she promptly dumped on the smaller gem’s head. Spinel snarled at the sudden cold, but did nothing to stop the other from scrubbing the cloth over her form.

“My, what is this vile liquid? It’s rather stubborn,” Pearl said, mostly to herself, but also to Spinel, though not daring to question her Diamond. 

“It’s blood, how it got there is beyond me,” There’s that word again, Spinel winces, she hated it.

Pearl taps her chin for a moment but continues her scrubbing, lifting both of Spinel’s arms for a more thorough cleanse. This was so embarrassing. Though it was stalling time to let her come up with an excuse for how and why it was all over her and also puddled on the ground. Steven examined the other gems on the ground and Spinel couldn’t help but scowl.

_ No, no no no, stop touching them, don’t- don’t hold them! No! Pink! Come back, please! We need to finish our game, you promised to come back. Why are you...why are you so invested in them. It’s not fair...This isn’t fair _.

“Are you all right?” Said Pearl, who broke the silence and the darkness that was encompassing the other gem. She didn’t even notice she had started to cry. 

“Huh?” Her head snapped to face the Pearl, who held a delicate hand over her mouth. Admittedly, the smallest amount of concern towards Spinel made her anger falter, but only a little bit. Spinel ignored the question she obviously heard, but processed late, “Are you finished?”

Pearl took a step back and examined her work, “It would seem so! Spick and span, not a single drop of that ‘blood’ to be seen!” 

Spinel sighed in relief, happy to have the proof of her crimes washed clean. The ground, however, was a different story. Pearl had already begun to attempt another cleanse until Steven stopped her.

“That’s not coming off as easily, it’ll go away on it’s own.” He spoke with such confidence, it was an odd occurrence to Spinel. He knew human things like blood, which she still didn’t fully grasp, understood how to activate a newly rejuvenated Pearl, and he acted like...like…

A powerful gem, controlling and calculated. So unlike her Diamond, but why was he different? He was her, was hers, wasn’t he? What did any of this mean? Spinel couldn’t possibly grasp the entire scope of her actions, and what would come after that. She wanted to disappear, but finally being near her Diamond after so long, she just wanted to be closer. Maybe this was her chance to make him love her like Pink never could. That’s all she wanted, her entire existence, she just wanted her Diamond to accept her, consider her as a true friend. It was all a lie, she learned, but maybe Steven could be different. Maybe...Maybe...even with how cold he was being now. There had to be some chance, if she couldn’t have her Pink Diamond. 

“Hey, Pearl,” Stevens words shook her from her thoughts, and she glanced at the taller gem who was ready to listen.

“Yes?” 

He held the gems in his arms, “Go somewhere, and take them with you,” She obeyed immediately, skipping gracefully to him to gather them up carefully in her arms.

“Where would you like me to go, my Steven?” As a reply, Steven rubbed his temples.

“I don’t know, Pearl, away.”

“When would you like me to return?”

“I’ll call you over when I need you,”

And with that, she dipped her head and walked-- somewhere, up to the end of the cliff, out of earshot, sitting down and holding the gems carefully in her arms. 

“Spinel,” It came as a hiss, and she jumped. He knew her? Even when she looked like this? Slowly, but surely, she approached. “Sit down,” 

She listened, but stayed a few feet away from him, not wishing to meet his gaze right now, she knew what was coming, the answers he wanted that she didn’t want to share. 

Steven sat next to her, and in response, Spinel pressed her knees against her chest and wrapped her arms three times around herself. She buried her head atop her knees, not daring to see if he was looking at her or not, she didn’t want to see those eyes again. This was all wrong. Like he sensed her troubles, and had some modicum of consideration.

“You kept talking about a garden,”


	2. Zebra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel makes up a lie to make Steven feel remorse for Pink's actions, yet she's unable to retract her statement, and continues on and on, fearing that anything could break this facade she created. He's her Diamond now, and all she wishes is to be near him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew!! an idea hit me while writing this, i had written half of this chapter before publishing the first one. it was just, "what if spinel made such a big lie that everything beyond that would just be more and more lies until she couldn't go back,"
> 
> song used in the beginning: https://youtu.be/cQkDFFJEBgg
> 
> also, if you haven't guessed already, the chapters are named after songs that inspire me, i'm not very good with chapter names lol.

_They said I'm worn thin from wasting too much time_

_On your sidelines waving a sign that says I will work for you_

_But they don't know your kiss to me is a hatchet through my chest_

_That sends me down a flight of stairs hitting every step_

_And I swear to god_

_It's not my fault, this mask I wear_

_It's not my fault, this gloom I bear_

_It's not my fault, this mask I wear_

_It's not my fault, this gloom I bear_

_It's not my fault, this mask I wear_

_It's not my fault, this gloom I bear_

_And they said I'm tired from waiting around for you_

_The reasons I start fires is that's what lost gems do_

_Split dogs and hoof in mouth you are broken glass_

_Don't care if I cut myself I'll crash into the crash_

_You stung me bad, what can I do?_

_But leave the stinger in, so I won't forget you_

_You stung me bad, what can I do?_

_But leave the stinger in so I won't forget you_

_They said I'm wrong_

_I know I'm wrong_

_They said I'm wrong_

_I was made wrong_

* * *

Spinel’s voice was caught in her throat, making an awkward squeaking noise when she tried answering. When her voice didn’t work as planned, she sunk further into herself, hiding herself away from his scrutinizing gaze. “The...The garden…” Softly, a mutter, making sure that’s what he asked of her.

“That’s what I said,” He replied coolly, was he looking at her? Glaring? Leering? She didn’t want to find out, but her eyes were wide, staring at nothing with her vision blackening into panic.

Her eyes fluttered closed, taking in a long, drawn out breath to prepare the correct words to not anger him. “That’s where we played...You and I,”

Spinel made a quick glance at Steven, who was scratching his chin, of course he didn’t remember, he wasn’t _ Her _ . Lying about this would only make things worse in the end, but she grasped, clawed, desperately trying to take hold of something, anything. She knew she should rephrase what she said, something as simple as: _ sorry, said that wrong _. Take back the blatant lie and frame it as a mistake, but she went on.

“Here in the garden,” Her voice lilted, beginning a song, “Let’s play a game, I’ll show you how it’s done…” She pauses to search for something in his diamond eyes, that seemed to hold no light in them. “Here in the garden...stand very still…” She swallows, dragging herself further into this pit. “This’ll be so much fun,” 

Oh, oh no, he was looking at her now, probably wondering where she was going with this, and why she was singing. Her gaze snapped in front of her, escaping from him, but never moving.

“And then sh-... you smiled, that’s what I’m after…” Any signs of anger? Distrust? No, only confusion, partly of what she was singing about and why she was singing at all. “The smile in h-- your eyes, the sound of your laughter,” Spinel took a great, metaphorical leap by scooting closer, examining his features, but he was just waiting for answers.

“Happy to listen, happy to play, happily watching you dri-ift away,”

“Spinel,” He broke her song before she could continue, “Stop singing, I have a headache,” She hushed, hastily scooting herself back to her original spot. 

“Sorry,”

“So...I just-- left you in a garden?” Oh no! No no no! Did he feel bad, was he remorseful? And she caused it, too. Spinel quickly leans towards him, supporting her weight with one arm and holding out for him with the other. 

“No no! You were just… busy! Had no time for li'l ol’ Spinel..! Heheh … You- you had much more important things to do!” _ Than...Than to be with me… _

“I just-- I missed you, I wanted to finish our game, I was…” _ So sad, so depressed, bereft of hope and clinging onto anything that would make me believe she still cared _. 

“It’s not your fault…” _ Because you aren’t Her! Why am I still saying these things? Why can’t I stop? _

“Obviously,” That broke her, sent her down to the ground, still holding one hand up for some form of reassurance. His lips curled into an expression of disgust, that she would just fall so quickly. 

“I wouldn’t have time to just play all day,” He told her, no reassurances, just confirming her fears. At least he was honest with her, unlike...Pink. Even though his words hurt, he was honest, like… like she wasn’t with him. Spinel felt nothing short of disgust, but she had already said what she said. If she told him now, then her Diamond would leave again. 

“But…” He began, “You shouldn’t have stayed there,” A spark! She saw it, her eyes glimmered, it was sort of an apology, but she would take it. 

“Aww, t’was nothin’. Six thousand years? Pfft! I can do that standin’ on my head!” She hopped on her feet before doing a cartwheel and balancing on her arms. Her smile was wide but fragile, eyes begging for a positive reaction.

What she got, though, was nothing. Emptiness, cold, hard stone. It wasn’t until she fell on her back, splayed out before him with that smile gone, only with widened eyes, did she get something.

“Heh, all right,” Steven scratched the back of his head, quirking a brow and staring at her. Her smile returned, smaller, this time. She looks up at the sky, the smile again faded, her chest hurt, and she wanted to curl up and hide in the ground.

“Can...Can I ask a question, P- … Steven?” Spinel cranes her head back, looking at him visibly flinch when she almost said the wrong name. He looked at her, and she was unable to read what he might be thinking, not with how blank he looked. 

“What is it?”

She turned on her belly, obviously more comfortable now. Spinel was getting more words out of him. Hopefully if she kept this going, she could make him forget about...about the ‘blood’. 

“Um… Well… How did you know-- remember- how did you remember my name?”

He taps his chin, “Well, when I saw you, something in me said: That’s Spinel,” 

She felt some more sparks of hope, Steven didn’t know her, but Pink did, so maybe… _ She _was still there. Spinel would reach out again, absentmindedly, not thinking of what her actions even meant, but half of her hoped he would hold her hand.

Unfortunately, that would never come.

“I also remember,” He continued, lips forming into something short of a scowl. “Seeing you, and feeling an inexplicable urge to attack.” Her eyes wide again, but with fear, her body freezing, gaze stuck on his face and unable to pull away when his eyes turned cold. So cold, so lifeless. Spinel wanted to shrink and hide and hold her face to cry, but she was frozen. 

“But I couldn’t, as much as something pulled me to do so-- something stronger told me to stop.” His eyes narrowed. “That’s right, I want to know-- how, and why was there so much blood on you,”

Spinel shook, feeling an ugly cry tremble within her throat that she fought so hard to hold back. She dug so far in the back of her head for an answer that wasn’t the truth, but still something believable. Stall, she had to stall.

“What- what’s blood…?”

“You’re dodging the question,” 

Her entire body shook, all she could do was look away from him and hold herself and just hope he would let it go. “I...I…” Spinel sat up on her knees, arms protectively around herself again. Dodge the question, do something! “Why did you want to attack me?”

“Spinel,” Hard, cold, unfeeling. “You’re making it worse for yourself. You do know that, right?” Of course she did, the entire day was filled with awful mistakes, yet she made every single one, consciously. 

“Um… uh, well…” His brows dipped more, now standing to hover over her. His body was looming, upon their first encounter, he just seemed like a measly little obstacle to get Pink back. Now, he was much, much more menacing. He wasn’t Pink, but he wasn’t Steven, not the Steven she saw during the transmission, not the Steven she met during their fight, not even the Steven that gasped for breath and convulsed on the ground. This was someone entirely different, someone who’s human half was plucked out and brought forth this...this person. 

Clamoring for some viable answer, Spinel whimpered under his gaze. “I… I-I don’t want to talk about it… I don’t even know what it was, I don’t, please don’t make me think about it, Pink-” Oh.

His face twisted into a full fledged grimace. Steven’s eyes turned wide, angry, disappointed. “I told you to not-”

“I know..!” She covered her face immediately, “I’m sorry, Steven,”

When she corrected herself, his shoulders slacked. She knew that when he first hit her it was an accident, but she never wanted to feel that sort of touch again, hard knuckles impacting her jaw, unrelented strength making her fall back. He didn’t mean it, he didn’t, she knew he didn’t, but it still hurt. The physical pain was one thing, but being struck by her Diamond was an emotional world of hurt. Steven pinched the bridge of his nose with his other hand on his hip.

“Fine, but you can’t keep hiding it forever.” She relaxed, her pigtails drooping. “However--” Ah, shit. “You will tell me later, when you’ve collected your bearings, understand?”

It gave her time, it wasn’t ideal, but it gave her time. Spinel nodded so fast that if she were human she would have gotten whiplash, or snapped her neck. 

“O-of course!” She sputtered, “It was just-- frightening. I’m your best friend! I would never...lie to you,” Spinel held her hands to her gem, offering him a weak and uncertain smile.

How long would she be able to keep this up? The hole she dug was only getting deeper, yet she continued to dig, so far that she was unable to see the light anymore. Spinel would try her hardest, lest anyone stood in her way.

He wasn’t Steven, he wasn’t Pink Diamond, but he was still her Diamond, all she wanted was her Diamond. She was so lonely, she wanted acceptance, love, and she would fight tooth and nail to get it. She thought she had it before, but it was a farce, Spinel wanted it for real. 

Spinel stood, hands still over her gem, looking tentatively at Steven. Who, in turn, quirked a brow, waiting for her to speak.

“Can we...play again?”

“No,” Oh.

She dipped her head, hands balled into fists. Of course, of course that’s what he was going to say. He doesn’t remember anything, barely came back, she refused to answer his question, why would he want her around? 

Spinel heard a sigh from him, making her head jolt. “Later,” Her eyes gleamed, cheeks warming up and her body filled with something… excitement? It’s been so long since she’s felt that before. She offered a smile that wouldn’t be returned, all he did was turn his head.

“Pearl!” He called, and too quickly was she at his side, making him jump, “Ack..!!”

“Yes, my Steven?” Back straight, ready to listen.

“Pearl, had you been listening to our conversation?”

“Not at all!” Her smile was delicate, assuring, and she bowed. “My hearing is perfect when I am summoned by my Steven!” 

Spinel felt disgusted, what a kiss-ass, grovelling at his feet. Wasn’t that was she was doing? Spinel at least tried to be subtle, even though she failed. Maybe it was just the fact that she wasn’t the one receiving attention, negative or not; she craved it. So many years alone, being yelled at was much better than eternal silence. Even though it hurt, so very much did it hurt, she craved his scrutiny and his annoyance and even his disgust. That wasn’t to say she wouldn’t much rather have his praise and laughter, but after doing what she did, she didn’t have the right to be picky. 

“What is the status on the gems?” Steven asked, breaking Spinel out of her thoughts. Craving to be closer, Spinel shuffled close behind him, yet not so much that he would push her back. _ Pay attention to me, pay attention to me, pay attention to me _.

Pearl clasped her hands over her mouth, “Yes! They have reformed, my Steven!”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You requested to only come when you called!”

He rubbed his temples, “Alright, also- tone down the enthusiasm, my head hurts,”

“As you wish, my Steven!”

“Ugh… Just take me to them,” 

Pearl nods, gesturing behind her for Steven to walk first. After he takes the first step, Spinel jolts forward, grabbing his jacket with such a tightness that it could tear. His head snapped back at her, glowering that she would even dare to touch a Diamond in such a fashion, without his permission. 

Seeing his face, Spinel’s eyes fill with fright, and she quickly lets go of the fabric. “Can I go with you…?” She asks, desperation in her face.

“Can’t you wait?” 

The question makes her body stiff, and she begins to shake, tears prick at her eyes, arms losing any sense of proper form and pooling on the ground. Slowly, she shakes her head. Spinel was begging, pleading not to be left alone. Not again. Steven was clearly unamused, and Pearl? Pearl looked rightfully shocked that someone even laid a hand on him. Though, she did not dare to make a comment. Steven’s cold expression softened, and he rolled his eyes.

“Fine, you can come,” With that, he began to walk, allowing Spinel to follow, Pearl behind the two of them.

Not even three steps in, and Spinel opens her mouth. “Can I hold your hand?” Before waiting for his answer, she reaches out, hopeful.

“No,”

“Okay,” Hands swiftly back at her side, she quietly followed, occasionally looking back at Pearl who turned out to be staring. Spinel snarls, silently asking Pearl what the fuck she was looking at. In turn, Pearl quickly looked somewhere else, she was still very confused about...something. Spinel would have to ask later, _ alone _. 

They kept walking, until they made it to the cliffside, a myriad of different colored gems stood there, obviously out of place. Sapphire was simply sitting there, petting the grass while her Ruby patrolled the near vicinity, occasionally stopping to look for any potential danger. The Amethyst was looking curious of everything around her, it seemed like she just caught a butterfly. Was she...eating it? Spinel was repulsed, all of them would have his attention for the time being. She was also afraid, especially of that Sapphire, who might tell Steven something he didn’t have to know. 

Steven cleared his throat, seemingly trying to come up with something to say. If what Spinel thought was correct, he was more Diamond than human now, after the stunt she pulled. If that was true, it would mean his natural, inherent sense of order was being disturbed. She stood silently, hands clasped together in front of her, waiting to see what he would do next, if any of her current lie could be disturbed by them just simply existing. If gems could sweat, Spinel would be sweating up a storm. 

Steven sighs, “What’s going on, what are all these different gems doing here?” He glances at the Amethyst, she was correctly appointed to him, but her stature was… wrong. She was too small, looked like a lost puppy, who was now imitating the Ruby’s marching with wide, curious eyes. The Ruby asks her Sapphire if the Amethyst was a bother or not, who said that she wasn’t, and she went on with her marching, along with her little marching partner.

Spinel tries her hardest to not keep her gaze straight on the Sapphire, lest she brings something up. What could she say? That what Spinel said was all a lie? Maybe, but she was newly rejuvenated, and what had just happened in Steven and Spinel’s conversation was that of the past, and something she didn’t even witness. All she had to do was keep her away from him, without being seen as too conspicuous. What could she do? Steven was already annoyed with her, if she pushed the boundaries more he could very well just snap. 

Pearl took her out of her thoughts, her planning, her conspiring against those blue and red gems. “You know, if I may,” She began, “It is very strange that all these different gems are present,” 

“It is,” Steven replies, “I wonder why they’re all here, any idea why the Amethyst is like...that?”

“Like that?” The Amethyst parrots Steven, who was pointing at him like he was at her, he was clearly unamused. 

Pearl holds her hand on her chin, “I’m not too sure! Something is clearly wrong here,” 

“Clearly,” He said again, he took a few steps closer to the Amethyst, who stood in place, looking upon him with wonder. Steven examines her for a while, and after a minute or two, grabs his head like he did before when he first reformed, and groaned, his head presumably throbbing. Was he remembering something? Remembering her? If he did, this would fall apart, Spinel had to get him away from them. He took some paces back, groaning and clutching his head, curling his fingers into his hair and scratching his scalp.

“Steven!” Cried out both Pearl and Spinel in unison, each of them hurrying beside him, both on opposite ends. The difference was that Pearl only hovered her hands on the boy, while Spinel placed one hand on his back, the other gently grasping his shoulder. Still clearly in pain, Steven manages to shoot a glance her way, causing her to freeze in place, but she kept her hands on him unless he told her to stop. It was so odd how just a while ago, Spinel really wanted this boy gone, after her world falling apart and understanding that Pink would never come back, that he was the only trace of her Diamond left, all she wanted was to be close to him. Even if he yelled at her and looked at her like he was doing now. Maybe, if she did all the right things, he wouldn’t do that anymore-- at least, not as often as he had been currently. 

He didn’t shrug her off, or push her away, but his voice was cold like ice, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I-I-I…” Her voice was caught, he was right, according to gem standards, this was entirely inappropriate. Pearl noticed it too, looking on with a fearful face at Spinel. She tried loosening her grip, instead only tightening. “You look like… you’re in pain,”

She saw it once already, that pain he felt, how awful it looked, Spinel felt such regret that it went on for so long. She thought for a while, fighting the overcoming urge to nuzzle into him, like she would with Pink. She was always so touchy with Pink, who probably hated every moment of it, now that she thought about it. But...but Steven would be honest and tell her to get the fuck off, and so she would wait for him to say just that. She looks at Pearl, who already seemed rather disturbed at the touching of her Diamond.

“These gems are obviously not good for him,” Get him away from them as soon as possible, that’s the plan now, she needed to get him away and keep him away, permanently. “Look at how much pain he’s in…”

Pearl considers her words, “I think she’s right, my Steven. Forgive me, but perhaps we should pick another time to speak with these gems,” 

“I’m fine…” He said, gritting his teeth.

“No!” Shouted Spinel, so loud that they all jumped, including the little troupe across from them. The Ruby stopped her marching, the Sapphire looked on the scene, even Amethyst stopped trying to catch another bug. The Sapphire was watching, waiting, it made Spinel shiver, and it took everything she had to not scowl at the gem and tell her to _ mind her own fucking business _. 

“Excuse me?” Was Steven’s reply, glaring at her, yet still wincing with the pounding in his head. “I don’t recall Spinels being made as advisers,”

That about broke her, her pigtails drooped and her jaw slacked. That, that was way worse than being struck on the face.

“I’m just… I’m worried, we can always talk to them later, but- but… Just for now, please,”

He didn’t push her off, or tell her to stop touching him, he even stopped his awful, awful sneering, and only shut his eyes again to rub his head, “Fine,”

Her gem almost rose from her chest and sang, did he take her seriously? Or was he just tired of her hounding him, or touching him? Whatever, he listened, her confidence grew, maybe whatever connection he had as a Diamond to a personal Spinel reigned true. That’s what she was made for after all, just for her Diamond, for him. For now, she just had to get him away from the others, especially that Sapphire, who knows what she could say that would ruin everything.

She took a great risk in rubbing his back, making small, gentle circles. With furrowed brows he stared at her, but he never told her to stop, so she didn't. Pearl kept her mouth shut, thankfully. The others, though? They could do whatever they pleased, along as it was away from him. Spinel quirks a brow at Pearl and gestures her head towards the group, silently telling her to keep them occupied. Pearl, however, wasn't going to leave unless she was ordered to, it took everything in the fuchsia gem to not groan very audibly. Steven noticed their back and forth.

"Just, keep them occupied, Pearl,"

She obviously wasn't happy about it, not about leaving him with a strange Spinel, but it's what her Diamond asked of her, so she obliged. Leaving the two for the troupe of weird gems. Spinel's defenses lowered, finally lessening her grip on Steven's shoulder. 

"C'mon, Steven, let's get you somewhere to relax,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what will spinel do next? how can she keep this facade up? surely he has to find out soon, somehow, the truth always comes out.


	3. King Shiv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun day at the beach! Mostly, Spinel can't hide her guilt when she's around Steven, yet all she wants to do is be with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew!! i am on a roll here, at first i thought maybe i should make a schedule to write, but if i'm in the groove, i should just let it happen! even if i end up posting a new chapter at 5 A.M
> 
> i wanted this to be a biiiit more lighthearted with some angst in the middle, just to prepare for when things really go down.
> 
> song in the beginning: https://youtu.be/QEgSFS_Ae54
> 
> at this point the song titles as chapters are just me trying to share my favorite music, but fortunately they all do relate to the chapter and convey the feel i'mm going for
> 
> P.S. i never been to a beach before in my life so if i describe anything wrong pls forgive me

_Woke up feeling like "it puts the lotion in the basket" _

_Can you even recall the times? _

_Before your pheromones _

_ Took your common sense hostage and left you in the rain to dry? _

_ And if you'd ever even gotten everything that you wanted? _

_Well, wouldn't that be some king shit_

_ But as the case would have it _

_Well, you certainly haven't _

_You've been hand-to-mouthing every step of it_

_ All the old timers in the neighborhood swear _

_ That you're cursed with a face people hate _

_But every single one of them's an endless variation of Popeye raised on lead paint _

_ And all the woulda coulda shoulda _

_ Didn't cause my buddy's over _

_Get to it when this here is done _

_ Repeated time and time again _

_ It grows into a second skin I can't believe that there even could be_

_ A secret life between your eyes that I don't seem to see _

_Are you satisfied with waiting here for heaven forever? _

_ A secret life between your eyes that I don't seem to see _

_Are you satisfied with waiting here for heaven forever?_

_ Waiting for your schemes only weakens at the seams _

_All the scenes that you've spun in the dark _

_And who wants weak desires waiting for them in the wings _

_After years of leather in your scars _

_ And all the woulda coulda shoulda _

_ Didn't cause my buddy's over _

_ Get to it when this here is done _

_ Repeated time and time again _

_ It grows into a second skin _

_ I can't believe that there even could be_

_ A secret life between your eyes that I don't seem to see _

_Are you satisfied with waiting here for heaven forever? _

* * *

Spinel was more than ecstatic to get him away from the others. She knew that cooing to him would be a little too much, and crossing the line with how much he would take from her. Once in a while, she glances back at the other gems, including Pearl, making sure they weren’t following, or making up some plan to do so. Only stopping her quick glances behind her when they were out of sight. She would much rather send them somewhere far, far away. Actually, she would much rather go somewhere far, far away, with Steven. The thought alone made her feel all fuzzy and nice and even if he yelled at her it would be okay! Because nobody would be around to ruin it. She had more time to come up with the details of this very, very sudden plan now.

“Spinel,”

“Wh- huh? Yes?”

“Stop touching me,”

Quickly her hands were off him, “Of course,” She was still close to Steven, filling the lost space her hands felt by holding her own. Spinel skips a few steps ahead of him, looking back to see if he was okay with it before continuing. She scans the area for somewhere private, somewhere they can be alone and she can think of what she has to do next. The best place for isolation and alone time for thinking was... was... 

Nope! Not an option, the very thought made her gag, being confined in a space where every good and bad thing happened was nothing short of maddening. Beach City alone was a risk, this place was his home, there would sure be many, many people who recognized and knew Steven. Obviously, disposing of them one at a time would prove a problem, the city was small, everyone knew Steven, a barren town would surely raise his suspicions. Another thought that invaded her head, was that whatever came out of Steven would come out of everyone else. Spinel would shiver at the thought, besides, seeing Steven in such a great amount of pain was enough, seeing that fearful look in everyone else would make her, let alone anyone, crazy. And that's not even mentioning the rest of the gems. Even with her ardent, and somewhat surprising, skill in battle, she knew there were a lot here, and there was strength in numbers. Rejuvenating them all would prove troublesome, as Steven was already confused with just four of them. Well, Earth had many places where nobody knew anyone, that might be her best option.

After walking in silence for some time, she speaks up, “Um, how’s your head?”

“Not as bad as before,”

“It still hurts?”

“A little bit,”

She stops, afraid of an answer to a question she couldn’t help but ask, “Is it… Is it because of me?”

No hesitation, “Probably,”

Oh, ow, that-- that really hurt, she presses her hand against her gem, forlorn. She heard him continue his stride, but upon passing her, he took one of her drooping pigtails and tugged it gently. Her head jolted up to look at him with her mouth agape, was he...was he smiling? It was so minuscule, like he was physically incapable of smiling, but it made all of his past gripes towards her whisk away.

“Come on, I see the shore,” Spinel was frozen, her hands still on her gem, but she felt lighter. After he was a few paces ahead, and she was still processing the light but playful tug on her pigtail, she skipped behind him, happily following him wherever he wanted to take her. Yes! He didn’t despise her presence! Spinel grabbed the lock of hair that was touched by him and swirled it around her finger, feeling some warmth emerge from her cheeks.

When they made it to the shore, he decided to make a seat beside some boulders, allowing Spinel to sit next to him, knees against her chest. She was making a habit of it, sitting in a fashion that would make it easy to stand quickly, but it also hid herself, just in case she wanted to wrap her arms around herself and hide from the world. She stared out at the sea, it glimmered in the light. So pretty… This was only a single part on Earth, yet how the water sparkled and the sand was soft beneath her, it made room for an array of emotions, like she were a cloud; light, yet heavy, providing shade and comfort, but ready to rain down on an otherwise good day. Spinel understood why Pink would decide to stay here, but...to abandon her? To leave her all alone? She could have found a life here too, she could have had so much fun, she could have... Never hurt Steven the way she did. Spinel would have loved to witness this place with her, with her Diamond. 

Why was Spinel getting so sad? It wasn’t Pink, but her Diamond was right there! He was willing to have her around, too, unlike Pink. To be alone with her outside of the garden, unlike Pink. To have just her instead of that _ Pearl _, unlike Pink. Sure, he was rude, and he hurt her feelings more than he didn’t, and he also said that he really wanted to attack her-- wait, was that still a thing? Did he still feel that way? Maybe he forgot, she’s just going to say he forgot to feel better. 

It was quiet, normally she would have hated it from her very core, it would have made her shake and cry and wish for some sort of noise to break the unending silence that suffocated her. This, however, this was pleasant, and she hoped nothing would break it.

“You wanted to play a game?” Well, nothing except that. It surprised her, Spinel couldn’t even fully turn her head to look at him.

“Uh… Do you want to?”

“Not really,” _ Then why bring it up? _“At least, nothing too crazy,”

Oh, she could do that, although she would prefer something else, she wanted to run around and make him laugh, but she could do this too. 

“Um…” She taps her chin in thought, what wasn’t too crazy? Well, rephrase that, what wasn’t too crazy by his standards? He probably didn't want anything involving loud noises, considering his head. She would win immediately with anything regarding being able to contort one's body. Twenty-one Questions? Truth or Dare? Never Have I-- wait, no, nobody would win that, she never did anything substantial and he doesn't remember anything he did that was substantial. 

“I spy…” Oh! Yeah!! She could definitely do that! “Something… Hmm, something blue,”

“The ocean!” She was too quick to answer, letting her legs flatten against the sand and leaning closer, pointing enthusiastically at the large, glimmering body of water.

“Nope,”

Shoot! She was no longer pointing, “Uh… the sky!” Spinel throws her arms up, ready for her answer to be correct. 

“You got it,” Her smile was wide now, and she was looking at him directly. He was smiling, too! Not as much as she was, but it was there! “Your turn,”

Spinel places a hand on her chin, scanning the vicinity. “Hmmm…” As pretty as it was, the beach didn’t have much to look at, just one, giant pretty thing. She looked behind her, beside her, in front of her, even lifted each of her legs to peak under them for something interesting. Under one of them, her eyes lit up, it was perfect!

“I spy something...pink,”

“Is it my jacket?”

She giggles, “Nope!” Aha, she knew he would say that, she was so clever. 

“Is it…” He leans forward, reaching out beside her left leg, picking up something that was smooth, but had all these little grooves, and looked like a handheld fan. “This seashell?”

“Yes!” She was so, so happy, even if they weren’t running around or playing some elaborate game, this was so fun and it filled her with joy. He takes hold of one of her hands, and she jumps, looking down at what he was doing, he twisted it for her palm to face upwards, and placed the pink seashell onto it. Spinel was just about to melt, finally-- some action, some good ol' _hand holding_.

“Here,” She didn’t want him to stop, but he pulled his hand away once the shell was atop hers. 

Her fingers curl around the little thing, feeling each of its' grooves. “Are you sure?” 

“It’s not like I own it,” 

“Don’t you own the Earth?”

He was in thought now, his Diamond half turning gears and rationalizing what she said.

“Alright, I hereby gift you that seashell as a token of my affection,” 

Her gem just about lit up and turned itself back around just from hearing him, it was probably just a joke, most likely just a joke, but most jokes were based in truth, right? 

“Thank you,” She stared at the little thing in her hands, its’ beauty increased tenfold because it was a gift, she wanted to kiss it, but wasn’t sure how he would take that. Instead, she placed it inside her gem for safekeeping. 

She smiled at him, but he was already looking back at the sea. Spinel felt true, unadulterated joy in this moment, even the silence that she would usually despise was a welcomed reprieve to the horror and guilt she had felt before, and even feeling at the moment, although pushed back with all her might just to enjoy this time they were sharing. She clasps her hands together, looking around for something else. Hmm, what to pick, what to pick.

"I spy..." Wow, this was harder than she thought, she wanted to talk about Steven without seeming so much like a kiss-ass, she was sure she'd already gotten the 'clingy' badge, no reason to collect more. "I spy...something...gray!"

"Is it the boulder?"

A tiny, tiny smile was laid upon her lips, like she was holding in a laugh. "Ummmm, noooo?"

"Uh, I don't see anything else that's gr-" He was cut short because a certain little gem couldn't hold in her laughter.

"Pfff-Wahahaha! Sorryyy~ You were right, Steven, it was the boulder!" Her hands were at her mouth, trying to hide her grin and failing the entire time. 

He didn't seem to think it was that funny, but he did smirk, which was enough for her. "Heh, you're something else, Spinel,"

"Aww, shucks," When her laughing cleared away, she wiped away a little happy tear forming at the corner of her eye. "It's nothin',"

Soon, the air was still with gradual silence once more, where after she finished giggling, Steven looked on at the sea. Occasionally, she would glance at Steven and feel her gem. He gave her a gift, as small as it may seem to anyone else, she loved it with her entire being. Pink never gave her a gift, and she knew her for thousands of years. 

She closes her eyes, just to enjoy the quiet instead of fear it, and the images of Pearl and the others flash in her head, changing her calm demeanor much more stiff and irate. No, don’t think about them, they weren’t a problem at this moment. Pearl, how she was presently, wouldn’t disobey orders and bring them over when she very clearly saw the effects they had on Steven. How long would this even last? How long could she make it last? Spinel rubs her eyes in a fashion that would make it seem like she got sand in them, when she really just wiped away tears before they could fall.

The endless sky had such a different meaning than it used to, when she and Pink would count the stars and individually name them, finding shapes in the constellations, making up entirely new ones. Now it was only a reminder of how she was nothing at all in the vastness of the universe, nothing to anyone or anything, a speck to be disregarded. Alone for so long, isolated, hopeless. 

What happened? They were just having so much fun. Now she was feeling sad again, and it happened so fast. She ruined it all on her own with her stupid, stupid thoughts that clouded her mind every time there was a single moment of silence, even if she wanted it.

“I spy…” She heard him break the ever growing chaos surrounding her. “Something sad,”

“Wh...Wha?” She hadn’t noticed before, but when she was brought to attention did she feel the wet tears streaming down her cheeks. Spinel rubs her eyes roughly, “I'm sorry,”

The silence that followed then was wretched, so unlike the calm before. Why, why did she have to ruin something good so fast. Was that all she was capable of? All she wanted was to be alone with her Diamond, but now that she got her wish, this is how she handles it? She felt like nothing but a nuisance now. 

She felt another tug on one of her pigtails, not too forceful, but enough to rock her head to the side. Spinel didn’t mind it, it was the only time he would initiate touch himself, that, and when he held her hand, but that was a one in a million chance. Again, rubbing her eyes, she turns to face him. He was looking at her blankly, but there was...something, beyond those Diamond eyes of his.

“I hurt you really bad, didn’t I?” Oh...oh stars, no. Please don’t say that. This was all her fault. He had nothing to do with this, and she pulled him down to control like a puppet, feigning him being the one in power just so she could have something filling the void she harbored. His hand never stopped holding her hair, instead he brushed through the strands with his fingers. Maybe him yelling at her was better than this overwhelming guilt she felt. She wanted nothing more than for him to take back what he said, to tell her that it was on her to choose to stay and suffer, that it was on her to base her existence on someone else, that it was all on her to find happiness and it was dumb to depend on someone like Pink for it, the worst part was that it wasn't even him! He wasn't the one that ripped her reality apart, he wasn't the one that left her with her self doubt and growing cynicism, Steven never did anything. Yet here she was, making him believe otherwise, and she couldn't even tell him the truth. Her face scrunched up and it was hard to even look at him anymore. All that guilt she pushed and tucked away neatly within herself was coming loose, a furious beast ready to tear her apart and smash her gem between its' sharp, jagged teeth.

Pain graced her face, she runs her hand down the pigtail he was combing, to brush over and remove his touch from her. It was too much, but if she told him everything, what would he do? A nasty stew of every awful feeling bubbled within her chest, boiling over until they passed her eyes in a fit of tears. She felt so sick.

Everything she had felt before and tried to suppress was cut free by a simple touch, a single sentence, a glance in her direction. A single show of concern or remorse ran deep, a long splinter that she couldn't remove lest she cut the source of it all-- her lies, something that she could have said so differently grew into something daunting. The strings were detaching, her form shaking. All the pain she felt was caused by her own selfish need to bring someone who didn't even care about her back into the world. She caused him so much pain, and had the nerve to use him like...like this. 

She huddled over, grasping and pulling at her pigtails. “I-I-I’m s-sorryyyy,” She sniffled and choked, her entire body shook, her face felt wet, and rubbing her eyes only made it worse with the abundance of tears flowing out of them. 

“I-I-I...I-’m” _ hiccup _ “s-s-so-so s-so-..” _ sniff _“...sorryyyy,”

She couldn’t bear to look at him any more, so she resorted to bringing her knees up and facing away from him. One arm wrapped around her body, bunching her knees closer to her chest, and the other one was over her head, digging her fingertips into her scalp. Spinel couldn’t help but full on wail now, making the ugliest noises she’s ever heard come from her mouth. She was too far gone, too far into her own fantasy, her scheming, her dumb stupid useless _hope_. 

“Spinel,” Steven said, quiet, non intimidating. 

Like she didn’t hear him, she went on, “I-I’m s-so sorry… I’mmms-sor-ryyy,”

“Spinel,” Only a note louder.

She felt the shifting of the sand from his movements and it made her entire body shudder. _No, please, don't come near me. Please please please._

“D-don’t lo-look a-at meee, p-pleaaase,” She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t handle it, it ate away at her, fiercely biting and scratching and tearing all that she was apart. But she couldn’t turn back now, she couldn’t be alone again either, she was being stretched thin on every side. She wanted to be with him, yet this sharp pain and guilt made her want to lock herself away and have grief and self hatred be her punishment. She wanted to play with him and make him laugh, but she knew what she deserved was to be yelled at and...and…

“Spinel! Look at me!” Her response was immediate, her head lifted from her encasement of elongated limbs and turned to him. It was hard to see him when her eyes were so blurry. 

He continued, “Good, now, turn around. Come on, you can do it,” Spinel listens, turning her body to face him again, making comical little scoots with her boots. When she did that, he praised her again, putting his hands on a segment of her arms. 

“Okay, untangle yourself,” His eyes were so unnatural on his face, Diamond pupils boring into her.

“But-” His immediate reaction was such a scrutinizing expression that obviously said: ‘You better listen to your Diamond right the fuck now,’. And so, she did, letting her limbs fall loose around her and retracting them to their original shape. His grasp was still at her arms, and he slowly let go, like he was dealing with a frightened beast. 

“You did good,” She did? What gave him that impression? She was about one hundred percent sure everything she did was undoubtedly pathetic. Spinel blinks her tears away, still sniffling constantly. “I shouldn’t have brought it up,” he stops just at the ‘sorry’ part. 

It still cut deep, way, way too deep. _ You did nothing wrong _.

After a long, drawn out moment, maybe to make sure she wasn't going to have another breakdown, he puts his hands on her head, each on one of her pigtails. He trails his palms down, pressing against her hair lightly until he’s at her cheeks, pushing the pigtails up to make a heart shape from her face, also puckering her lips in an assumedly funny manner, because she got a chuckle out of him. Steven stares at her for a while, and she grows nervous under his gaze, darting her eyes any other direction besides his. 

While not looking at him, Spinel feels him shifting his movements, when suddenly--

His lips were pressed on her forehead, and her head jolted back so fast she almost broke his nose.

“What was that?” She knew exactly what it was, she just wanted confirmation.

“A kiss,” Steven replies matter-of-factly, “I remembered people do that sometimes to make each other feel better,”

A moment passes, and with wide, uncertain eyes. She opens her mouth, “C...Can you do it again?”

Steven looks unimpressed, and rolls his eyes. “_ Fine _, but don’t tell Pearl,”

“I won’t,”

Softly, gently, bringing her head forward, he places his lips on her forehead again, and again, one on her tear marks, and on her nose. 

“Okay, that’s enough, you only get four.” 

“W-what about the first one?”

“Doesn’t count,” _ Ah, shoot _. 

Spinel looks uncertain, downtrodden, “I’m sorry about crying,”

“Yeah, don’t mention it,” The way he said it, it wasn't in a: ‘no worries, it’s fine’ sort of way, but a: ‘yeah don’t talk about that ever again’ way. Which was, in Spinel’s eyes, entirely fair. 

Steven releases her head, scooting himself back to his original spot, letting Spinel look like a surprised little bunny rabbit. 

She stares at him for a long while, wondering if he would say, or do, anything else. She presses a hand against her face, which was still wet from her crying-- were his lips wet? Was it gross? Oh no oh no it was probably gross her tears probably taste like shame and regret and-- oh no he's looking at her, look away look away!

There was a clear moment of hesitation before she ran her hand over the sand of the beach. “I spy…” Continuing their previous game, she holds some of the sand in her palm, letting it slip through her fingers. “Something yellow,”

“The sand?”

“Yeah,”

“Wouldn’t call that yellow,”

Oh, now that was too much, _really?_ “Whaa? What would you call it?”

Steven shrugs, “I don’t know, beige?” 

“Isn’t that a shade of yellow?”

“Hmmm, nah,”

“Whaaaat? C’mon, it’s totally yellow!” 

“Nope,” He was being a contrarian at this point, probably thought it was funny arguing what the color of sand was. She would show him! Spinel takes a bunch of sand in both of her hands and lifts them up, fists closed. Lifting her hands high up above the both of them, and letting the grains fall in front of their faces. 

“See? Yellow!”

"You're something else, Spinel,"

Her cheeks grew hot, that was a nice, backwards compliment. "Aww shucks, it's nothin'," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, i'm a little worried this one isn't as good as the others, i feel like it moves a bit too fast? hopefully it's alright!


	4. Loot My Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven is getting real tired of Spinel's breakdowns, there's only so much he can handle as a Diamond. And it turns out they're deep enough with their "lovely" relationship for Spinel to finally meet Greg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowowow!!!! the inspiration just doesn't stop!! i was minding my own business, doing some chores before-- BAM, a whole "i gotta write that right now,"
> 
> i let my angst loving fingers do their thing, but as i was writing it, even i thought steven went a little too far. but i didn't edit that out because, angst for everyone!!!
> 
> song used in the beginning: https://youtu.be/kWvMIWP0mEk (their songs fit so well for when i'm writing, i hope they're not too intrusive!)
> 
> i miiight be getting a job within the next two weeks, which will slow down my speed writing, but don't worry!! i'll do as much as i can until then!

_Have you learned nothing at all?_  
_When the curtain comes crashing down_  
_Will it miss ya, will it crush ya_  
_Will you bend like a little bitch under pressure?_  
  
_Will your friends come along and say_  
_I knew him before he was a puddle_  
_In hindsight I dig him this way_  
_In this format_  
_As a puddle_  
  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_(Just take whatever you want)_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_(Just take whatever you need)_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_(Just take whatever you want)_  
_But please_  
_Don't start a band_  
  
_Post apocalyptic babe_  
_Will you be mine_  
_Post apocalyptic babe_  
_Will you be the light?_  
_(No)_  
  
_Have you learned nothing at all?_  
_When the city comes crashing down_  
_Will it miss ya, will it crush ya_  
_Will you shatter like a fissure under pressure?_  
  
_Will your friends come along and say_  
_Well I knew him before he was trouble_  
_In the big scope better this way_  
_It's a fine choice life as a puddle_  
  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_(Just take whatever you want)_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_(Just take whatever you need)_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_(Just take whatever you want)_  
_But please_  
_Don't start a band_  
  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot my body_  
_Feel free to loot it all_  
  
_Have you learned nothing at all?_  
_When the curtain comes crashing down_  
_Will it miss ya, will it crush ya_  
_Will you bend like a little bitch under pressure?_  
_Will your friends come along and say:_  
_Well I knew him before he was a puddle_  
_In hindsight I dig him this way_

* * *

The sun was no longer high above, at the center of the sky. Spinel carefully watched it, unconsciously following Steven because: ‘we need to see how Pearl is fairing with the gems,’ which made sense, but she hated it. Gears ran in her head, coming up with different escape plans when he undoubtedly would get another migraine. She knew what they meant, that he was beginning to remember. The last thing she needed was for him to remember. 

She follows close behind her Diamond, fingers twitching to be held, or hold something, like his hand, or his jacket. Spinel tried earlier, but he quickly pushed her hand away, assuring her that whatever happened earlier was just something of the past. Another thing she wanted to know, when and how could she renew her supply of kisses? Apparently the limit was four, but for how long? Was it daily, monthly? Stars, she wouldn’t last a month.

How long have they been walking along the shore? Was he really looking for Pearl? The entire time, she was looking down at her boots, not knowing that Steven had held his hand up to halt her, resulting in her ramming into his back. For a moment, with cheeks a deep fuschia, she stayed there. His human half was inexplicably warm, comfortable, Pink was never this warm. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and nuzzle into his back--

“Get off of me,”

Swiftly, she did about three paces back, looking guilty as charged with her hair drooped on either side of her face. “I’m s-”

“Just pay more attention,”

A small, meek nod, “Alright,” 

From her embarrassment, she peeks up, wondering what he had stopped for. It was an...encampment? No, no, what did humans call them...Houses. An average sized one against the mountainside, built around a statue. Spinel squints, she can clearly see it, but… she saw it before, when she came to Earth. This was…

Steven spoke before she could finish her thought, causing her to jump and turn to look at him. “I know this place,”

What? No, that was impossible, “Y...You do?”

He takes a few cautious steps forward, “Yeah, I do,”

That wasn’t good, not at all, he shouldn’t remember anything. Spinel swallows hard, trying to keep her fear and paranoia a secret to her Diamond. Luckily, he didn’t care enough to notice, just kept walking towards the building. 

“Steven, wait!” She calls out for him, holding her hand out like it would do anything. “W-we don’t know what’s-”

“I’m sorry,” He sneered, “I didn’t realize _ you _were the one in charge,”

Her entire form almost dissipated, her face crestfallen and looking like a sad little puppy. Just a while ago they played ‘I Spy’, and he held her face, he kissed her head and even...held her hand. It was like she was at square one, except she guessed he only just had a capacity of affection he was able to show in a day. And he filled his ‘being a little nicer’ quota. 

This was entirely her fault, anyway, she was the one who tore away Steven’s human half and freed this tyrannical force that was hard to believe was in him this entire time. Even Pink wasn’t like that, yet, she guessed that maybe Pink wasn’t supposed to be how she was, maybe what Spinel did to Steven was the final step in making Pink the perfect Diamond, but Yellow and Blue couldn’t bring themselves to do it. Continue to tear away at all the pretty little things and you’re left with something gnarled and angry. 

Spinel bit the inside of her cheek, looking on as Steven continued, taking the first step on the staircase. She felt glued to the spot, inwardly begging and pleading Steven to come back and hold her and stay with her. As she blinked, each step he took made him seem several yards further, like the entire area was being sucked into a black hole. Everything around her was dark, all she saw was him leaving her, his back to her, going away to never return.

Before she could even think she darted forward, but in her own personal pandemonium, he only got farther. There was no sound except static, it surrounded and threatened and laughed at her. In a panic, Spinel opens her mouth to call for him, but what she heard was a croak, her voice stopped working. Tears welling up, she kept calling for him, over and over and over and over-

“Spinel!” 

When she came to, she was on the ground, shaking. Looking up where the voice came from, she saw Steven with the most repulsed look she’s ever seen him carry, and that was saying something. He stood over her, only on the third step, and she was face first in the sand. 

“S-Steven...I...I’m-”

“Drop it,” He demanded, sending her into something akin to anaphylactic shock. She had hoped that her face would make him feel empathy, but he went on. “Every time, _ every single time _ I’m more than a foot away from you-- you resort to this. A tantrum,” 

One step down, “And frankly?”

Another, “It gets-”

Spinel has to crane her head to look at him, standing directly over her. “**Annoying**.”

White noise, all she heard was white noise, her eyes went blank, like she was thrown against a wall._ I won’t do it again, I promise, I’m sorry _.

“It hasn’t even been a day, Spinel, do you understand that?” He knelt in front of her now, hands on his knees. 

“And I dealt with it because I had some ounce of care for something that was made for _ me _.” Steven places a hand on her head, and she winces, expecting him to press her face down more into the sand. Instead, he trails it down her jaw and below her chin, promptly holding her head up to look at him.

“And it just doesn’t end with you, does it?” Cold, so cold, so very very cold. She couldn’t stop staring into his eyes, the Diamonds hypnotizing her. She wasn’t entirely sure if he was waiting for her to reply, but he seemed rearing up for a rant. 

“It’s getting tiring, Spinel. I see how you look at Pearl, the other gems. I get it, you know who you were made for, but you’ve been getting a little. Too. Comfortable.” 

Every single word hit her like a brick to the face, so much so that she had to shut her eyes to brace for the impact of everything he hurled at her. What could she possibly say to refute him? To make him not abandon her on the spot? Spinel could promise for hours that it won’t happen again, but that’s a lie she had no way to prove, as he’s seen how she acts-- time and time again. She could see it all crumbling before her, but she held tightly onto the broken pieces, she wouldn’t care if the whole thing fell on top of her head and shattered her in the end. Until then, she wanted to keep clawing and biting for any little thing to make her think this could end any other way than horribly. 

“Tell me, Spinel, what is it you want?”

A moment of silence, wondering if he was going to answer for her, turns out he wasn’t.

“Well?”

“I-I-I w-want...to-.. to make you smile,” It was all she could muster, and the whole-hearted truth. She knew she couldn’t spend eternity with him, as much as she wished she could, if she could see joy in his face before her imminent destruction, that would be okay. 

His hand never left her face, all he did was move it to cup her cheek, tentatively rubbing his thumb over her tear marks. Steven’s voice almost sounded as though he was cooing at her.

“You’ve been doing a pretty awful job, then,” He pats her cheek lightly before standing straight and heading for the door.

Not learning from a thing he had just said to her, her body jolted forward, getting on her hands and knees, holding one arm out for him. “St...Steven..” 

He stops his stride but never turns around, “Let’s go, Spinel,”

Why… why didn’t he just… discard her? Everything he said, all those nasty words that killed a little piece of herself one by one. He still called her over. She jumps on her feet and quickly follows behind him, furiously rubbing her eyes.

“I’m sorry-”

“Stop,”

And she fell silent, following close behind, so close that maybe she could take a little bit of the fabric of his jacket and hold it ever so gently between her fingers. Maybe if she was very, very careful-

“Don’t,”

Hand back at her side, deflated, defeated, de-_ everything _. The lecture was just everything she already knew, everything she feared, all put on display and proven to be true, and not just her fearful delusions. 

Spinel closes her eyes, grabbing the pigtail she remembered him tugging earlier and swirling it around her finger. Would she learn from this? What could she learn from this? Could she simply just change everything about her for the past six-thousand years? Whisk away all the darkness that ate her up and spat her out as something monstrous as her? 

Before Steven could push open the door--

“I... want a kiss,”

“Not now, Spinel,”

“I get...four, I just want one,” 

A long, drawn out sigh. Steven turns around and grabs her by the jaw, turning her face to the side before pulling her in to kiss her on her cheek.

“There, now stop asking,”

Spinel doesn’t recall asking, but she got one nonetheless, and that was fine with her. She puts her hand on her cheek and smiles, watching him roll his eyes and finally push the door to the house open. She waited for him to enter first, but followed close behind. She was still sniffling from what had just occurred, but she did her best to keep it quiet. His harsh words rang in her head, yet she kept the warmth of his lips on her cheeks at the forefront of it all. _ Yell at me, scream at me, make me cry, but kiss it better and I’ll be fine _. 

Steven takes a few steps inside, observing the place, looking rightfully confused. She watches him, darting her eyes each and every direction, paying close attention to his mannerisms for any potential migraine. Or worse, a memory. He looks around curiously, touching the counters, it all looks freshly lived in, but empty. 

“M-maybe somebody lives here,” Spinel tells him, hoping it’ll convince him to leave. 

“I’m sure they won’t mind,”

Spinel squints in reply, she’s sure he doesn’t know that. She knows this was his home, but _ he _doesn’t, if it were a strangers’, how would he know anything about them? She doesn’t try to fight it though, she’s been with him everywhere so far, to be so insistent on leaving here would be way too suspicious. She just needs to wait for the right time. 

While looking around, Spinel sees the portrait of a woman with pink, curly hair above the door frame. She squints, trying to get a better look. Why did it make her sick to her stomach? She desperately wanted to rip it from the wall and smash it to bitty bitty pieces. 

_ So this is where he lived, and here I am, stealing him away from it, I really ain’t good at all, huh _. Wretched, selfish, lonely, it’s why she didn’t mind him yelling at her. Even if he didn’t know the truth, she did, and she was the reason he was like this. 

She looked behind her, seeing Steven still slowly examining this place, no signs of anything yet, but her main concern was someone making an unannounced, uninvited visit.

“Um...Do you mind if I go outside for a bit?”

Steven turned to her quicker than he would have normally, a genuine look of surprise plastered upon his face. “You want to go outside?” 

“Is...Is that okay?”

“I’m just surprised, do whatever you want,” He continued his examination, looking over at her once in a while. She assumed he thought it was odd, when she just wanted to be so close to him before, but she could easily say that the ‘Talk’ they had made her consider her actions, so she could try and be better. That was hardly the case, the thought of leaving him alone made her sick, but it was necessary to make sure he remains ignorant. 

She waits a few moments before preparing herself to leave his immediate vicinity, and takes very slow, torturous steps outside. Out the door, she glances right, left, up, even down, and continues down the porch to the steps. The gem wasn’t even halfway down when her hair stood on end, pigtails perking like a prey animal. _ Someone was near _.

Spinel rushes down so fast she almost trips, finally remembering that she can just jump and be fine. When the sand is at her feet, her glances are quicker, vision sharper. A sight, a silhouette near the cliff side, Spinel doesn’t even hesitate to spring forth into action, using her abilities to cover the entire way in under a second.

“Whoa!” It was...a human, a very scruffy, rotund human. Sure, Steven had some chub, but Spinel would insist- no, sing to the heavens, that it was _perfect_ and she would have him no other way. This person, she did not like one bit. 

“What do you want?” She asked, or much more demanded.

The human held his hands up, “Heeey, I’m just visiting, just wanted to say hello,” 

“Hi!” Spinel grins, teeth bared, “Now go away,”

“Whoa whoa, hey, I’m cool! I just wanted to see if Steven was-”

Steven? No no no no, not at all. Immediately, her hands stretched and took hold of each of his arms. Now, Spinel was ready to play, her toothy grin never left her, eyes wide and determined. 

“Steven’s unavailable right now! Please leave a message after the-!”

She saw the fear in his eyes, unable to react quick enough when she lifted him into the air and brought him down several yards away. 

“** _TONE!_ **”

The grains of sand were like a dust storm upon impact, and when he was grounded, Spinel sprung herself directly above him. He was coughing, probably all that sand in his lungs, not that she cared anyway. Who was he? What did he want with Steven?

“Hk--! W-What’s your problem?! What have you done with Steven?!”

Genuine offense painted on her face, “Nothing! He’s fine!” _ He’s happy with me! Don’t you dare ruin it! _ “What do YOU want with him? You wanna take him away?” 

She elongated her neck to look him straight in the eye.

“Make him hate me and leave me all alone? Well GUESS WHAT, MISTER-” a pause, “What’s your name?”

“G-Greg!”

“Mistah GREG. That ain’t gonna happen! Ever! Now go away!”

“No! I’m not going anywhere until I see Steven!”

Spinel leans in very, very close, baring the nastiest grin she could muster. “Sorry bud, that ain’t happenin’, a’ight?” 

He struggled under her tight grip, no longer attempting to reason with her, instead, he opened his mouth and-

“STE- mmph!!” One hand released from his arm to enlarge and cover the entire lower half of his face. The frail human’s eyes widened so much that Spinel thought they would pop out. She looks behind her, was that enough for him to hear? No, they were too far now. Her sneer was much more menacing and murderous when she turned back to face him.

She plants a boot hard against his chest, pressing down until she notices he’s trembling and turning blue. Her other hand reaches to her chest to pull out her rejuvenator, clicking the button with her thumb and when it was activated in mere seconds, she presses the curved part of the blade to his throat, releasing the grip on his mouth and nose. 

He makes a hard, painful sounding gasp for air when she presses the scythe harder against his throat. The entire time, Spinel never stopped smiling, though her eyes expressed nothing but pure rage. 

“I seen what this thing does ta humans, Steven came back, I know for a fact that _ you _won’t be so lucky.”

Not caring a single bit that a deadly weapon was against such a vital part of his body, the human named ‘Greg’ shot his head up. “_ WHAT?! _ What did you do?! Is he okay?!”

Her maniacal grin slowly faded as he went on, “Did you kill him?! Did you kill my son?!” Crying, he was crying, just how close was this human to Steven? 

“W-what?” Spinel sputtered, “No! I-I didn’t! I would never…! I don’t- I don’t even know what that means!” Without moving the rejuvenator, Spinel yanks on one of her pigtails frantically. Kill? No, no, is that what she did? It sounded so horrible! 

“NO!!” She screams, taking hold of the scythe with both hands, pressing it harder until he was choking again. “I would never hurt Steven! And-and… He’s Pink’s son! Not yours!” 

He wasn’t even struggling anymore, just trying to breathe, “Two people can have the same son!”

Well, that was news to her. It didn’t matter, anyway! With her boot still against his chest, Spinel lifts the injector up and over her shoulders, ready to strike. He shut his eyes, more tears pouring out, presumably because he couldn’t see Steven in his last moments before he was ‘killed’. 

All she did though, was press the point to his cheek, hard enough to draw some of that red stuff again, but it never pierced through. 

“Steven’s fine! He’s-- Just leave us alone!” Spinel so desperately wanted to end this problem right there and now, but if Steven was also his son, it would mean...Pink loved him too, she hated that she still considered things that… that traitor cared about. 

“Fine! I’ll go! J-just promise me he’s safe! Tell me my boy is safe…!” 

Spinel took her rejuvenator away, and stepped back, letting all of her guards down at once. “He’s… he’s okay, I promise. I would never let anything happen to him,” 

Regretfully, she allowed him to stand, holding his red stained cheek with one hand.

“I’m going to go slow, all right? So you don’t think I’m up to any funny business,”

None of this was funny. “Fine, then go,” She watched him turn on his heels and walk away.

Before he was a substantial distance away from, she stretched her arm out to hold the blade of the rejuvenator perfectly against his stomach, that if she made another step it would cut through him immediately. 

“I said I wasn’t m-making any funny business!”

“Oh, I believe ya, Mistah Greg, but if you tell anyone about this, we’ll both see how red yuh blood is, capiche?” She couldn’t see his face, but she knew how terrified he was.

“A-All right!” 

“Gooood boy,” She releases him again, deactivating her weapon and placing it back in her gem. She watched him carefully, glaring whenever he looked back at her. He was agonizingly slow, probably because he had a limp. Even when he was out of sight, she still stood, making sure nobody else would come.

“Spinel!” Her head jolted back, anxiety filling her very being. Steven didn’t sound angry, but she hoped that he didn’t hear- or see anything. Spinel wiggles around, preparing to see him again, and she does a few stretchy cartwheels to meet him faster, twirling and clasping her hands together when she was in front of him.

“Steven~!” 

He looked pretty surprised to see her, probably because she hadn’t broken down from being away from him for so long. “Whoa, calm down, I have another headache,”

Spinel’s heart breaks that she wasn’t there when it happened, but it was better this way. “Oh no, are you okay?”

“I will be, where were you?”

As innocently as she could, Spinel pressed her index finger to her cheek. “Takin’ a stroll. Thought about what you said and… you were right, I’m sorry, Steven.” She lets her hand down, bringing them up again to toil with her pigtails. “I’m gonna try and be better for you, it hurt to be away, but bein’ a burden hurts even more.” 

His eyes were wide, he looked legitimately surprised. “That’s good,”

“Are...are you proud of me?” 

“No, this was just the first time,” Her pigtails drooped at his answer, but she guessed it made sense.

“I have three more kisses left in the safety deposit box,”

“Yeah, guess you do,” Like it meant nothing, he started walking, passing her.

“Can I withdraw the rest?”

He sighs and turns to approach her. Now using both of his hands to grab her face, he moved her head around like an object, trying to decide where to kiss next. 

His lips brush against her forehead, giving it a little smooch. The next was her brow, and then--

“Hmmm,” Staring at her, seemingly deep in thought, she felt so light and airy, she knew he was teasing her at this point. Then, he tilted her head, leaning in very, very close, until it was very obvious that Spinel began trembling. 

“Heh,” Her chin, he kissed her star-forsaken chin, and she melted. Released from his grip and onto the ground, she held her burning face.

“N-n-n-no f-f-faaaair, Steveeeeen,” She didn’t even bother looking at him but she knew he was smiling.

“Come on, let’s get going, we really do need to check on Pearl,”

This time, she wasn’t that upset when he mentioned Pearl, because he never saved four kisses for her, only Spinel. Still feeling like a wet noodle, she watched him walk a few steps, now noticing something different about him.

“Hey, you changed your shoes,” He was wearing actual shoes now instead of those floppy red things.

“Yeah, can’t take anyone wearing flip flops unironically seriously,” Ohhh, yeah that made sense. It looked better on him anyways. 

Spinel stood up and dusted herself off before following him, looking up at the sky, the sun was further down. If only she could tell time.

Stars, she really wanted to hold Steven’s hand again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, greg would never just run away, she has his baby boy! he just isn't stupid, and won't try fighting alone.
> 
> me: *explaining AU to friend*  
friend: idk i can't take anyone wearing flip flops unironically seriously  
me: dw i got u fam


	5. Trunk Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven wants to contact the Diamonds to discuss the status of Earth and the issues he has with the gems 'recruited' to him, especially this little Spinel. Ignorant of his past dismantling of the Empire, Spinel has a thought: "How about we don't do that?" to which Steven comes up with a much worse idea as her punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a bit harder to write, i contemplated having a chapter dedicated to Greg going to Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot for help, because i for sure want them involved, but i didn't want the story to end too soon. luckily i have some lovely friends who helped me think of something!
> 
> greg approaching the ragtag club is still a chapter i wanna do tho!
> 
> also!! have a self-indulgent doodle i did for my own AU: https://i.gyazo.com/98d7728910ed4f9ff35a3db414ee1e2a.png
> 
> song used in the beginning: https://youtu.be/zBKCUgLRcwY

_The way that she cuts through a room_  
_Makes me want to exhume the madness_

_That flits between our lips like dynamite_  
_And a moistened wick so_

_You feel like a firefly_  
_Whose lamp's unlit_  
_And smothered by_  
_The bed, the sweat, the dawns of the past,_  
_the taste of the small of an old lover's laugh so_

_You bust your bank try to build a better_  
_bang for your buck, DNA to out distance_  
_the tethers that you're tied to_  
_the family lines that will hang you out to dry_  
_and you wonder why_

_our hearts are such hungry beasts_  
_the harder we starve them the more all-consuming_  
_and I understand they'll never find the love that they need_  
_so we try to run 'em into the ground_

_as I watch her unpack her hair_  
_like stacks of black pyramids_  
_so I smile like a crack in a dam or_  
_a condemned chair to electric man so_

_(she wants stability)_  
_what's that I can't hear you?_  
_(she wants stability)_  
_so I'll go and buy her a pony_  
_(she wants stability)_  
_I'll lay my head on a goddamn platter_  
_(she wants stability)_

_but in the end, it doesn't really matter 'cause_

_our hearts are such hungry beasts_  
_the harder we starve them the more all-consuming_  
_and I understand they'll never find the love that they need_  
_so we try to run 'em into the..._

_our heads are bottled up by the most heathen thoughts_  
_our bodies hang in limbo of what we need and what we want_

_she's a cutter but I love her just the same_  
_undercover but I never learned her real name_

_[x2]_  
_she's a gutter but I love her just the same_  
_undercover but I never learned her real name_

_(I'm an old man, I'm only getting older, the world gets younger as I push boulders)_

* * *

It wasn’t a secret that Spinel was incredibly nervous, extensively paranoid, and overwhelmingly anxious about the entire debacle that had occurred earlier. She couldn’t stop thinking about that Greg human and how she almost...got rid of him. Strange how immediate her heartbreak was in the garden, despite the decaying of herself for the span of six-thousand years. All it took was a single day to drag her down to such a despicable level, prepared to lie and deceive. She’d never had a violent thought until that very day, when she saw Steven’s face in the transmission, feeling nothing but anguish and the need to get something back, to fill a void that was so freshly dug into her. 

And she was able to stoop so low to not only take his happily ever after away, but she took him entirely, selfishly, the moment she saw the chance. No matter the consequence, she wanted the chance to dance and play again, for something true. 

Was she so prepared to hurt someone like that just for Steven? It wasn’t even a question, as the answer was undeniable. She was fully willing to dispose of anyone to get in her way, she would just rather not, for his sake. For Steven. Despite him being the way he was now, they were all people he once cared about. 

Spinel felt a familiar tug at her pigtail, breaking her away from her self hatred for a moment.

“You got unusually quiet,” Steven was in front of her, and he looked very tired. Was it physically? Emotionally? Both? 

“Ah, jus’ thinkin’,”

“About?” Did he care? Or was he waiting for an inevitable breakdown and just wanted to get it over with already. 

“Uh… how Pearl and the other gems are doing,” What a blatant lie, she couldn’t even make eye-contact while she said it.

He noticed, she knew he noticed, the way that he narrowed his gaze at her told her that he noticed. 

“You can’t keep things from me, Spinel, sooner or later, I’ll find out,”

That couldn’t sound any more menacing, terrifying, even. And he very well knew that, seeing how she reacted to it. Steven hums, letting go of her hair to cup her cheek, a small smile menacing and terrifying. 

“You don’t have to tell me, but I’ll find out,” 

No, she would rather be shattered than for that to ever happen. She leans into his hand unconsciously, letting him scratch below her jaw like a pet. Her hands twitch, so desperately wanting to bring them up and hold his arm, keeping his hand caressing her face. Unfortunately, she knew that any and all touch was initiated by her Diamond, and doing what she wanted to do would end it prematurely. She wasn’t sure how long this ‘petting’ lasted, but she sure didn’t want it to stop.

Sure enough, it ended, ended with him pinching her cheek, “Alright, let’s get going,”

She didn’t want to, she wanted to be pet more, but she knew better than to complain. When they started walking again, Spinel did her best to match his footsteps, paying close attention to each rise and fall, right and left, right and left. The gem looked particularly silly, occasionally messing up and fixing the pattern. It was to close as much space as possible, if her steps matched his, then there would be no worry of accidentally kicking his heels. 

“Can… I hold your hand?”

“You asked me earlier today, what did I say that time?”

“You said no…”

“_ Gooood _, you remembered,” Her head was dipped, but she assumed he was smirking. Spinel knew she wanted to play games, but this wasn’t the sort of game she enjoyed. 

She was pouting, luckily behind him so he never saw, eyes back towards the lowering sun. The day felt like it was lasting an eternity, and she wanted it to end. Spinel had made a bet with herself, to see how long she could last. How long it would take to get him out of this city, for him to finally take her opinions seriously. 

It was a good thing that she decided to look down, else she would have rammed right into him like before, when he had already told her to be more vigilant. Except this time, he fell back into her, letting out a soft ‘oof’. Instinctually, she swiftly took hold of him, wide eyed, fearing his reprimands. The fuchsia gem peeked over his shoulder, and there was a little Amethyst clinging onto her Diamond, _ Spinel’s _Diamond. 

This made her so angry that she bore her teeth, sneering at the purple gem, who didn’t pay her any mind. The little one clung to Steven, staring up at him with a curious gaze.

“Amethyst!” That was Pearl, “You do not touch Steven in such a manner!”

“Touch Steven!” Amethyst parroted, making Spinel snarl. 

Pearl rushed frightfully towards the trio, grabbing hold of the Amethyst by the waist and pulling, while Steven tried to unhook her arms from him.

“Spinel, a little help please,”

Please? Did he just say please? Oh gosh oh gosh he said please! “Of course!” She quickly unhanded him and worked on pulling the purple one’s legs off of him.

She was strong, that one, but Spinel was stronger. “Take a step back, Pearl,”

“Wha?” Confused that anyone but Steven told her what to do.

“Listen to her, Pearl,” That was even more shocking, Pearl looked at Steven with her pale hand over her mouth, but she obliged. 

Spinel felt nothing short of joy in that moment, and when Pearl took a few paces back, she stepped in directly in front of him, along with that little parasite. Who by now was pressing her head against his stomach, stubbornly not letting go.

“Touch Steven! Touch Steven!” She whined. It wasn’t the best choice of words, but with her limited vocabulary, it was her only choice of words.

“Sorry pal,” Spinel sneered, looping her arms thrice around the Amethyst’s body. After the third loop each of her arms trailed off in different directions, circling around each of her arms down to each finger, plucking them off of her Diamond. After that was done, she did the same with her legs, luckily feet were easier to unhook than fingers. 

Entirely encased within her elongated limbs, Spinel yanked her away. After she wasn’t in grabby distance to Steven, she uncoiled her appendages and casually handed her to Pearl. Who held her arms out to be given the little gremlin. When she was handed off, Spinel dusted her hands.

“Easy peasy,” Proud of herself, without a doubt. 

With the Amethyst in her arms, Pearl approached, “I am so, so sorry my Steven! I was trying to keep them all occupied while you were gone-- as you asked of me, and that Sapphire said you were returning, which made Amethyst try and find you first, I don’t know why she got so excited it’s like-”

Steven held his hand up, telling her to stop. All that yammering even made Spinel dizzy, which was near impossible, maybe it was her shrill voice. Or maybe there was nothing wrong with her at all, she was just jealous. Why did Pink take _ her _ ? What made her so important? Was she not loved, considered, appreciated? _ Of course she wasn’t _. All she had ever been was entertainment. 

“Thank you, Spinel,” Steven said to her, making her practically spring herself to the high heavens, instead she just scratched her head and smiled.

“Haha, it was nothin’,” Her face was burning furiously, and she was one-hundred percent sure he noticed. 

She turns back to Pearl and the gremlin, who was tugging at Pearl’s hair. It seemed like it was just them, Spinel looks around, where were that Ruby and Sapphire? Surely Pearl wouldn’t let them simply wander off. While she didn’t want that Sapphire near, she didn’t want either of them to run off and potentially cause...problems. 

Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear. Though Spinel had only thought of it, and as quick as a flash her scowl had returned the moment the duo came into sight. Instinctively, she backs away to be near her Diamond, stopping herself short of latching onto his arm. He doesn’t complain this time, just simply glances her way with an unamused look, telling her that she’s never going to change. Guilty, she looks away from him. 

Steven steps forward, hands held behind his back, examining the little troupe once more with a quirked brow. He kneels down in front of the Sapphire, the Ruby saluting as she stands next to her. Spinel looks utterly terrified. 

_ No, get away from her, come back! She’ll lead you astray! _

“Anything you have to say?” Steven asks her flatly.

“You are...confused, and your head hurts,” 

Steven remained silent, waiting for her to go on. Spinel trembled in her boots, wanting nothing more than to wrap him in a vice grip and take him somewhere isolated-- without gems. 

“That Spinel is worried about you,” Sapphire points behind Steven, and a squeak came from the fuchsia gem, mortified. Steven looks behind him at her, brows furrowed.

“H-h-how do you know that?”

“You just look worried,” Bluntly, honestly said, Spinel practically collapsed to the floor.

Steven scoffs, “Yeah, that’s been obvious,” He sighs, “Can you tell me why there are so many different gems here?”

Sapphire seems to be deep in thought, shaking her head after a moment. “I’m afraid I cannot, my apologies,” 

Getting nothing from her, or anything that was substantial, Steven stood and pinched the bridge of his nose. “All right, I have to contact the Diamonds,”

In that very moment, Spinel felt everything fall apart around her, the very Earth beneath her feet crumbling and all that filled her senses was white noise. No no no no no no no no. Her surroundings blackened and she heard laughter amongst the static, tormenting her for how naive she had been, taunting and sneering. 

“NO!” Shaking them all out of their thoughts, Steven shot his head back, teeth bared in a cold scowl.

“What did you just say?” He turned on his heels, approaching her, expression never changing. 

“W-w-w-we can’t, we s-sh-shouldn’t!” 

“And why is that? You better have a _ damn _good excuse, Spinel,”

None of them tried to stop him, only backing away and making room for the inevitable. Ruby was broken out of her salute, Sapphire looking unsurprised, but disappointed, Pearl held onto Amethyst tighter-- even holding her head to the crook of her neck to shield her from what was about to come. 

Spinel couldn’t move, she held her hands up in surrender, mouth open, eyes wide. She did absolutely nothing to stop him grabbing her wrist as roughly as he could and pulling her up to his level. 

“It was cute at first, Spinel, trust me. It was real cute, but I’m getting sick of it-- SAPPHIRE!”

“Uh- y-yes, my Diamond?”

“What do you see me doing with Spinel? Hm?” 

Even with all the sheer hate she had felt before, Spinel looked at her with pleading eyes, begging for the least horrible outcome. The blue gem took a moment, looking side to side at the two, seeing how mortified Spinel looked, how pitiful.

“Well?-”

“The garden!” Quickly, if she were any slower Steven would most likely have picked something entirely different. Sapphire held her hands together, her entire body tense. 

“...The garden,” The sorrowful look she shot at Spinel made her quiver, it was like she was apologizing, but that this was the lesser of the evils. 

“All right, let’s go then,” It was near a whisper, never freeing her wrist from his grip, looking her straight in her eyes. Nothing could stop the stream of tears as she desperately shook her head, but he paid her no mind. _No, no please no. Stop, I don’t wanna go! I can’t go back! Don’t make me go back!_

He was already walking-- dragging her, unrelented Diamond strength pulling her forward while she struggled to stop him. She turns her head back at the group, looking at each of them, seeing them show nothing but pity. They looked so...concerned. Sapphire had to even hold her arm out to stop Ruby from advancing, or speaking. Was she going to defend her? Plead for her forgiveness? Spinel had done nothing to deserve such a thing. Why did she hate them so much? What had they ever done to her? Why did she do this? 

The Sapphire was mouthing her something, a message, but the way she was being pulled and dragged with such intensity made it hard to see. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ 

That’s what she was doing, apologizing, this was the best outcome for Spinel, or the only one. Of course this would never end well, why did she bother to have hope that it could? To think she could just sneak herself into her Diamond’s heart was absurd. Maybe they could have been friends before… maybe he could have loved her truly. 

This is what her actions led her to, every single misstep, miscalculation, every lie. If she had just spoken the truth since the beginning, maybe this could have been avoided, she would probably have been alone again, but maybe that was better than this.

Who could know, anyway? Perhaps if she had spoken the truth, without the hindsight of the current outcome, she would just have been alone anyway. Not knowing how much worse it could have been. Spinel wanted to retrace her steps, take back her words, not even come to Earth. Just rot away in the prison that she was now returning to, against her very will. 

It was all falling apart, all because of her. Nobody had chosen this road but her, nobody had forced her on this path to destruction, she made every willful mistake in hopes for a better future. 

Spinel was weeping, crying, sobbing, but Steven would hear none of it, keeping his tight grip on her arm, ignoring her pulling and pushing. Her hand on his back, trying to get herself free. Her fingers bunch up the fabric and she rests her head on his shoulder blades, shaking her head and blabbering broken promises that she wouldn't keep. He let her do all of these things, didn't tell her to get off of him, just allowed her to bury her head in the fabric of his jacket and wet it with her crying. He kept silent, never letting go of her, even as she wailed and begged. Spinel couldn't see beyond the tears, was he scowling? Did he look disgusted? She couldn't tell, only that his grip softened, but remained tight. 

Stupid...she felt so stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dunno what could have been worse than taking spinel to where she felt all her trauma but that's the beauty of imagination
> 
> also, i'm kinda relating the downfall of Spinel to Sayaka Miki from Madoka Magica, of course the circumstances are different, but the whole thing where they consciously made every decision that lead to their downfall is what i'm alluding to
> 
> also also! this chapter is a little shorter because if i added the entire part with the garden it would be then waaaay too long


	6. Whalebones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weak foundation Spinel has built is finally collapsing around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooo!!! i've been busy so i tried to write this every free moment i had, so i hope it's up to standard!!
> 
> i hope y'all ready for this to all fall apart, will spinel get a happy ending? who knows!! i still haven't figured that out yet
> 
> song: https://youtu.be/PeZJursyub0

_ He felt her curves surrounding his neck _

_ Like a yoke _

_ He knows _

_ He'll never forget _

_ The way she cut through his bed _

_ Like a snake would bite through a cave of flesh _

  


“This is for your own good,”

Nothing made sense, everything blurred around her, sounds mixed together with other sounds in an ugly amalgamation, it all sounded like she was submerged underwater. 

“You give me no choice, I tried to be considerate,”

Had he, though? What, in his mind, was his idea of considerate? If he held any consideration, she wouldn’t be dragged all the way to-- wherever he was taking her. The garden, yes, but how? It’s not like he had a ship- or knew of having a ship. 

“We’re going to that garden, and we’re fixing this,” It all meant nothing to her, hard as she might try to listen, it was all static. She was going back, back to that horrible place. What was there to fix? Spinel wouldn’t respond, she had stopped struggling, but her whole body shook with every painful sob, her face began to hurt from rubbing it so much with her free hand. She kept on begging, with a voice so soft it would be hard to hear if she hadn’t been so close. 

He never released her, only moving his grip from her wrist to her hand, it’s like what she’d been asking for the entire day, he finally listened and held her hand. Spinel managed to find solace in the simple act, knowing that he was intuitive enough to know what it meant, and finding the time to give her what she wanted when everything else was collapsing around her. 

_ But he holds her _

_ Though she's broken _

_ He swears he don't care where she's been _

She only wished the circumstances were different, that they were back on the shore and she was leaning on his shoulder while he allowed her to hold his hand, then they could watch the sunset and she could sleep on him even though she didn’t need to. Her eyes hurt, as well as her entire being. She keeps her head against his back, sniffling and shaking, clutching onto his jacket like her life depended on it. 

“I-I’mm sorry…” She found it so hard to speak.

He remained silent for a while, registering her apology. Her Diamond squeezes her hand lightly, making her twitch. 

“You keep saying that Spinel, apologies mean that you intend to change,” 

“I really am…”

“I know,” He said it so, softly, softer than he had been the entire day. She couldn’t change in such short notice, six-thousand years of waiting, abandonment, doubt, it all took a toll on her, any and every little sign of being left behind caught her in a tight vice, thorns wrapping all around her and obscuring her vision. She could scratch and scream and cry, but the thorns would always come back, stronger than before. 

Face buried into his back, mumbling incoherently. Whenever she puts her head onto him, she feels the wetness of her tears that stained his jacket. Repeatedly, crying: _ I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go _.

_ He's tired of being human _

_ He wears her close to the bone as though she were his own skin _

Her increasing touchiness wasn’t lost on him, he wasn’t so oblivious. Though she appreciated that he didn’t stop her, her free arm curling under his to latch onto his shoulder from the front. Maybe he understood the pain returning would cause, and let her find comfort before the inevitable emotional torment. How long had they been walking? Or for better phrasing, how long had he been dragging her by the arm, forcing her into a situation she so desperately wanted to escape from? 

“We’re here,”

He didn’t force her, push her, scold her, Spinel took her time. Nuzzling against Steven, shaking, though he never let go of her hand. Did he think that she would try and run? Where could she possibly go? Spinel bit her lip hard, that if gems could bleed, there’d be a rush of it down her chin. Tighter she held him, knowing that it wouldn’t do anything to stop what was about to happen, but he let her, and she was taking advantage of that. 

Steven was giving her time, time to process, time to think, time to prepare herself. It was a consideration she might have missed before.

“I don’t want to go…”

“You have to,” He spoke flatly, tugging at her arm. 

“I don’t…”

“Spinel,”

His harsh tone made her flinch, and she looked up from her human shield, the double edged sword. 

“Wh...why are we at the house?”

“There’s a warp pad in there, didn’t you notice it?”

No, she didn’t want to be there, it made her feel all sorts of gross. She clutches tightly onto his jacket, wanting to run away.

“Let’s just get it over with,” He sighed, beginning to walk towards the staircase that led up to the patio. 

_ He shoots from the heart instead of the head _

_ His mouth and his words they rarely connect _

_ He looks to the past and where his tongue's tread _

_ And he knows he meant the opposite _

Spinel didn’t move at first, and she had half a mind to let her arm stretch the entire distance so she didn’t have to. Though she didn’t need to see the future to know how angry it would make Steven. He was already so frustrated with her. At arms-length away, she was tugged, almost tripping on her feet. Begrudgingly, she followed, barely even lifting her feet to walk. 

What exactly was he hoping to accomplish? To free her of all her trauma? Just some sick exposure therapy? Or was it simply so he could throw his hands up, say he did everything he could, and leave her behind? It didn’t matter, none of it mattered, it wasn’t going to end pretty anyway. She was a fool to think she could be happy with him, happy at all, even now, in this moment, as she closed her eyes, she felt hope that maybe when it was all done he would hold her. Every painful thing she chose to do was reasoned all with ‘maybe’. Maybe it could end happily, maybe he could love her, maybe this, maybe that, maybe it won’t end in disaster.

Nothing was ever known, set in stone, just a prick from a thorn that dug deeper and deeper. That’s what she could count on, that it would hurt. But at least hurt was better than nothing at all. The painful contact from her Diamond was better than being left alone to rot. 

The world around her didn’t exist at all, just the feeling of his hand in hers and the white noise that surrounded and taunted her. 

_ But she holds him _

_ Like an infant _

_ Though it breaks her in half to know he'll wake like a man _

_ Sold on cold indifference _

  


Spinel grits her teeth, eyes shut and letting him lead the way. Each step was grueling, how far were they? They seemed endless, a spiral that would devour her at the end of it. His grip on her hand tightened slightly when she kept tripping on the stairs. The whole time, he didn’t take one look at her, didn’t cup her face or give her the limit of four kisses, but he held her hand, like she so desperately wanted. Spinel didn’t want it like this, she didn’t want it because he had to do it, to urge her on and face her fears. 

It wasn’t until they had stopped completely that she noticed anything, even after stopping, it took her a few moments to even remember where she was, so lost in his gentle but firm grip. 

It takes him a bit before opening the door, audibly sighing and pressing on. Spinel lets him lead her into the house, head drooped and staring at the wooden floors. She didn’t want to do this, she didn’t want to go. Why was he making her? Why was he hurting her so much? 

Is this truly better than Pink Diamond? Would she have preferred the abandonment and neglect over this? At least… at least he cared enough to try and help, in his own cruel fashion. At least he brought her along, even if she would be treated as nothing but an accessory, at least she wasn’t regarded as something to be ashamed of and hidden away. It was hard to tell up from down anymore. 

Steven went on, taking slow, agonizing steps to the warp pad. Spinel felt as though her heart-gem would pop out of her chest the closer they got. Even without the need to breathe, she began hyperventilating, the world was closing in. It was all just, so painfully slow. The static turned to low groaning, thorns pricking at her, snaring her, pulling her down. She couldn’t see, she couldn’t hear, she couldn’t even feel Steven’s hand anymore. 

The dim white glow of the warp pad becomes clear, and Spinel starts screaming. The blackness and the static never cleared, it only got louder, until there was nothing left. She wails and fights in his grip, using all the strength she had to release herself. The sheer force of it all pushing her back and making cold, hard contact with the floor. The static increased tenfold, drowning out anything and everything, even Steven yelling at her to snap out of it.

_ When he reaches for her she's gone _

_ She slips like the wind through blackened sails, but _

How shameful, how completely and utterly shameful, broken beyond repair. Spinel holds onto her head, hunching over into a pitiful ball on the floor. She yanks and pulls on her bristling pigtails, eyes shut tight to hide away from all the taunting. Laughter is heard within the static, growing louder and more prominent, nothing she does stopping their endless assault. 

_ Who are we to love at all? _

_ Who are we to love at all? _

Is she saying words? Is she begging for him to stop? Spinel can’t even hear herself, or anything Steven said, if he had tried to say anything. All she knew was her struggling, fighting and kicking on the floor. 

_ Who are we to love at all? _

_ Who are we to love at all?_

He would know soon, the farce, her lies, her desperate attempts to be near someone, to be near him. To be loved and held by him. It all boiled out of her, everything she had ever felt when she was in the garden. The horror, the abandonment, the sheer and full pain of it all. Had nobody cared? Was she truly just a faulty toy to be discarded? 

_ And I hope you don't mind _

_ If I hang all of my hopes _

_ I hang all my hopes on this time _

She felt a force, a pressure, pressing her against the floorboard. Spinel shook and struggled against it, kicking and screaming. Who knows how long it went on until her face was grabbed, and through the blurriness of her tears she saw him, Steven. His hands holding her head and forcing her to look at him, to look at his wild, Diamond eyes.

The laughter,the torment, the taunting, and the static stopped, cut short in sudden realization. His eyes bore into her, and she couldn’t read his face. Steven was on top of her, holding her down with the entire weight of his body. She trembled under him, fighting the urge to kick and push him away. Would he still have her? His little Spinel, as broken as she was. 

_ Although I've been warned _

_ I'll probably get burned _

_ I'd rather get burned than to not try _

The stark contrast from the loud white noise to the sheer silence was deafening, she felt his thumbs run over her tear marks and she broke down again. Slowly letting way for a pitiful wail as she buries her head in the crook of his neck. His hands moved from her face to the back of her head, holding her to him, letting her sob with the weight of it all. She shifts under him, moving her arms to wrap around his form and pull him closer, to ground her in reality. One hand still on her head, clutching her tightly, firmly, gently. The other trailing down to her back to wrap his arm around her, pressing her flatly against him. 

What had just been harsh and sudden breaths from him forcefully slowed, allowing her to shake and tremble, calming herself with the sound of that beating in his chest and how warm he was. No words had been spoken, but he told her everything that she needed to hear: He was there, the world around her wasn’t collapsing, the void hadn’t sucked her in. 

_ I hope you don't mind _

_ If I hang all of my hopes _

_ I hang all of my hopes on this time _

_ 'Cause you won't _

_ Let it go _

Pink would have never… No, this-- he wasn’t Pink. He was cold and calculated and it was her doing but it was Steven, and maybe this side of him was present the entire time. This side was present in anyone, all that was needed to pull away and tear at all the pretty things.

The ugly noises of her crying went on, and his tight hold never weakened. Never faltered or changed, just a tight comfort. Had this entirely been born from her past, or was it rather an amalgamation of it and the truth circling around her? It rose slowly from the ground, breaking and chipping away at the foundation she had built.

As he held her, she found herself being okay with that. For as much happiness you wish for someone, someone else is given equal misery. Spinel was the price to pay, cry and sob and wish it weren’t true, it would be evident for all to see. Sooner or later.

_ Who are we to love at all? _

This beating in his chest-- what was that? She would have to ask him later, if he’d allow her when the truth breaks free. In this moment, however, she would cherish it for as long as it lasted, and after that, save it within herself for when she’s inevitably alone and her punishment is ultimately decided in a bout of cruel irony. 

_ 'Cause you won't _

_ Let it go _

The universe was full of it, wasn’t it. Irony in the cruelest manner, the barebones laid out for all to witness. For everyone, big and small, to suffer from it. And Spinel was but the littlest speck in its vastness, suffering it intensely and true.

She continued to cry into him, holding him tight for this grounding in reality. Shaking and sniffling. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but when has pain ever been beautiful? She felt his hand rub her back, letting her break beneath him. 

When it all died down, she remained. 

_ Sniff _. “T-th..thank you…”

His only reply was holding her tighter, it meant: You’re welcome but I’m not saying it.

She kept him there with no complaints from him. Allowing her to calm herself and rationalize everything, she would keep this moment forever in her memory, even with the ugly details, there was something pretty to find inside it all. 

After a long while, she sighs a shaky breath. Unwinding her arms from him and pressing her hands to his chest, he sat up, letting her shimmy her way out from under him. It was a slow process, but when she finally sat in front of him, he held her face, bringing her in for a kiss on the forehead.

“You did good,” A whisper, and she leaned in, asking for another one, which he provided. 

Her hands reached for his to bring them down from her face, he didn’t reel his hands away from her hold, and it made her smile. A weak, uncertain smile.

“Come on, let’s go,” She was the one to say it, standing slowly and him following suit. Her body shook, and she was afraid, but maybe there was comfort in her being the one to break the final pillar of this farce she created.

As they approached the warp pad, so did the snarling beast within her rose, facing her and gurgling a haughty laugh. Fists clenched, she stepped onto the warp pad, Steven placing a hand on her back.

With a final tear streaming down her cheek, she snubbed it as quickly as she came, and with that. They were gone.

To the garden. 

_ And I hope you don't mind _

_ If I hang all of my hopes _

_ I hang all my hopes on this time _

_ Although I've been warned _

_ I'll probably get burned _

_ I'd rather get burned than to not try _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spinel: you thought my panic attacks were bad? check this out *has full blown mental breakdown* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
> 
> Steven: vibe check [tackles spinel to the ground]
> 
> hope u enjoy the madoka magica line i snuck in :3c


	7. Fade Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here in the garden, let's play a game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the entire time i was writing this my only thoughts were: "wow steven thats fucked up," even though i'm the one typing
> 
> song used in chapter: https://youtu.be/r_HjrTfw4_4

_ Fade out like a photograph _

_ Just a memory to forget _

_ You burn black like a cigarette _

_ I’ll discard you when I’m done _

Spinel had her eyes shut tight the entire time, even for the first few minutes they entered the garden. She heard Steven take his first steps, but she didn’t dare open her eyes, not until she took some deep breaths. Strange, Spinel didn’t have the need to breathe, but she found herself doing it just to calm herself down. Something about the feeling of air filling her up and emptying out of her mouth was serene, like she wasn’t going to dissipate into nothingness, that she was real. After a moment she finally opened her eyes, seeing Steven waiting at the bottom of the staircase. She swallowed hard and followed suit. 

“This is the place?” He asked coolly, and she replied with nothing but a shaky nod. Here it comes, the facade cracking. It was painful to look at him, knowing what she had done, though it was silly to think it could ever turn out right. All she wanted was the love she was never given. 

The garden made her feel sick, and she wanted nothing more than to escape and hide away. This was her punishment for her abhorrent crimes. Spinel wasn’t ready to accept it, but there was no running away. 

Steven eyed the place before walking, careful not to trip on the overgrowth. Spinel was hesitant to follow, but she did, looking over the place-- just how she left it when her world was torn asunder. The gem knew that he would notice eventually, if he hadn’t already, that his headaches would never come, not here. She kept a safe distance from him, the guilt was eating away at her, getting near him was akin to being impaled. 

  
  


She forced herself to look on, seeing him feel the pillars, kneeling to feel the grass and weeds, all the overgrown roots. He walked to the pond, what was once a beautiful blue color, now a swampy green, dead lily pads dotting the surface. Whatever fauna that may have lived died a long time ago, remains fossilized in the overgrowth. 

The silence choked her, made its way inside her throat like gnarled branches. She was going to be alone, paying for all that she’s done. Though she prayed for him to never break it, fearing whatever words that would come from his mouth. Spinel would rather drown in it than to hear his spitting hatred and vile disappointment. 

And yet, like he read her thoughts, he did just as she feared, “I have no memories of this place,”

It cut through her, nearly shattered her then and there. It was inevitable, she knew this, but the pain was all the same. Her lip begins to quiver, and she still can’t bear to look at him. She wants to drop on her knees and beg for forgiveness, but he would be repulsed just the same. Spinel holds back her oncoming sobs with all her might, biting her lip, though nothing could stop the tears trickling down as her body shook. 

_ You break down when you need the rest _

_ What a selfish way to drown _

_ Then lay down with the thief you met _

_ And enjoy the pride you’ve won _

She wanted to say sorry, that she knew what she did was wrong, but there would be no point. Steven stares at his own reflection in the pond, a small, eerie smile creeping upon his face.

“I’ve never been here until now...”

He looks at her reflection from the pond, “But we already knew that, didn’t we, Spinel?”

Was he...laughing? It was the most horrendous sound that Spinel ever heard, it shook her out of her self hatred, forcing her to look at him wide eyed. Her shaking had transitioned from sadness to that of fear. 

  
  


He turns on his heels and approaches her, and she’s stuck in place, like the vines that once held her had returned. Steven grabs her arms, that awful smile never leaving. There was something terribly wrong with it, he didn’t show his teeth, it barely made a crease upon his cheeks, but it was undeniably there and frightening. His eyes were a different story, they looked like he was smiling wildly, happily, but he wasn’t. None of it is how it should be, what a smile should communicate is nowhere in sight. 

Spinel doesn’t fight his grip, it isn’t tight on her, and him holding her doesn’t hurt, but his gaze glues her to the spot. The fear she feels is immeasurable, undeniable and true. How long? When? How? So many questions wracked around in her head and she could find no answer to any of them. 

“I wanted to see how long you were able to keep up this game,”

For any number of reasons, his comment shot through her like a spike, breaking through her gem harder than anything else possibly could. The worst of it was that he couldn’t...stop...laughing.

“This…” Her voice was nothing short of a whimper, “This isn’t a...a game,” 

“Hah! Isn’t it? Maybe more of a prank-”

_ No, no no no _, “I-I’m being serious..!” 

That seemed to send him, with a smile he couldn’t help and a hand on his head, he continued to laugh at her. 

“You’re a spinel! You weren’t _ made _to be serious!” 

He stops, and it was somehow more terrifying. Steven cups her cheek, rubbing his thumb over the black marks. Steven’s smile was closer to that of a scowl, it froze her in place. Spinel just wanted was to see her Diamond smile, but this was something terrifying. 

“_ I’m done playing _,” His voice was low, menacing. 

This was a game she never intended to take part in, one Spinel never wanted to play, dragged in by her own misdeeds and false hope. All she wanted was a better future, all she did was tear everything apart and pretended like it could end any other way. 

“S-Steven… I’m sorry-”

“Save it,” He pinches her cheek, a deranged little chuckle emitting from him time from time. Was he enjoying this? Enjoying tearing her apart bit by bit? It wasn’t a cruelty that was too far for a Diamond, and Spinel should know by now that he wasn’t Pink Diamond. His Diamond capabilities freed, Spinel felt that she released a monster. Someone much more fearsome than she would ever expect. 

Unfortunately, Steven wasn’t done. “Do you take me for an idiot, Spinel?” 

“What? N-no!”

“So you think you can lie to me?”

He was right. He was undeniably right, and she was so, so stupid. 

  
  


“Steven…” She wanted to say something meaningful, to somehow mend all the harm she’s caused. There was nothing that could be done. Spinel’s hands shook, her whole body shook, he never let go of her face, keeping her stuck to the spot. He brought up his other hand and held her face, forcing her to keep her eyes on him. If she dared to close them to avoid this torment, she feared to even think of the consequences. 

“Spinel,” He quickly retorted, cutting away her thoughts and forcing her to listen to him, “Tell me, why was there so much blood on you?”

Her eyes filled with fright, and slowly she shook her head, not wanting to recount that horrible memory. This was all too painful to bear. She wanted to deflect, she had so many questions of her own. 

“How long have you known…?” She answers him with another question, and his eyes narrow to glare at her, sending a shiver down her entire form. 

Though it seemed he would muse her for a while, “In the house,” He let his hands down from her face, and her cheeks felt burning hot from his touch, or rather the fear he was causing her. It was one in the same, really. Steven tucks his hands in his jacket pockets and looks up at the starry sky. “I saw the warp pad, and the door, all of the rooms, the pictures. It all hit me, everything I used to be.”

He closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh, pondering something. “It was like looking into the mind of someone else, regaining the memories of a stranger. Someone entirely different than me, but it wasn’t, though who I was is dead now. There’s no going back,”

The guilt Spinel felt was immeasurable. He was happy then, wasn’t he? Was her pain so justified that she gave it to someone else? The universe was seeing her pay for her crimes. Spinel could do nothing but accept it. 

  
  


“At the time, it was as if someone was projecting their feelings onto me, I felt emotions that were foreign, not my own. I knew who I was then, who I used to be,” He sighs another time, then looking down at her. “And you snuffed the candle out,” 

“I’m sorry…” It was all Spinel could muster.

“So, Spinel,” It was coming, a barrage of pain and guilt. “It was my blood, wasn’t it?”

It was almost impossible to think of a response, everything he said was right. She was really, truly, undoubtedly horrible. There was no excuse for what she's done.

_ So let loose those tears, darling _

_ Cause I’ll turn my back _

“Steven, I-I’m sorry! I...I…” What was there to even say? She stared at him for some sign of compassion, but he had none to give, glaring back at her with his cold eyes, waiting for her to come up with some excuse for her abhorrent actions. 

Spinel takes hold of her pigtails, holding them tight, eyes wild and terrified. “I didn’t mean to…! I didn’t mean for you to get hurt!” 

Her vision was going black again, tears running down her face. It surprised her that she had yet to run out of them. 

“I just wanted to be with you- with Pink! I-I-I…” It was so hard, so painful, every word was a vice. “You’re not her! I kn-know that! But…”

_ So tell me the story _

_ How you lose this all I’m guessin’ _

_ But don’t tell me you’re sorry _

_ I’m through with it all _

_ And I won’t be back again _

She was left searching, falling to her knees, remembering the grisly scene when all that blood was on her and Steven lay motionless. 

“I just… I wanted to be loved again,”

Again? Was she even loved from the start? Spinel doubted that, that there was any before. It was absent from the beginning. 

“Heh… It’s pathetic, isn’t it, Steven?” It took her awhile to realize that he’d been silent, letting her go through her tantrum. She couldn’t bear to look at him now. “I’m pathetic… I want the love she never had for me,”

There was a long bout of silence. Spinel heard the shuffling of dead grass as he knelt down to eye level with her.

_ I’m burnt out on your etiquette _

_ How you caponize the son _

_ Then lay down with another one _

_ As you canonize yourself _

“What did you do it with?” He asked, setting aside everything she had said. His voice was low, and she would pretend it meant he had considered some of it. 

“Wh...what?”

“How did you kill me, Spinel?” He said again, frustration rising with every word.

“Th...The…”

“Give it to me,” He held his hand out, never changing his expression.

“What?”

“Give it to me. _ Now _.” It was so commanding, and she wondered what he would plan if she refused. Slowly, she took one hand from her pigtails and reached for her gem. It glew for a moment, allowing her to take out the Rejuvenator and handing it to him. Spinel was defeated, she had lost this horrible game. 

He stared down at it for a moment before getting up, holding it tight in his hands. Spinel shot her head up at him, wide-eyed and scared for his next actions. She hadn’t bothered to get up, only stiff silence surrounded her while he walked behind her. 

Fear wrapped her entire form when she heard the click of a button, and the sound of the blade forming. 

_ No no no no no _.

“Stay still, Spinel,” He demanded her, voice lilted. She did as she was told. Maybe this was his own game, something to scare her-- and it was working. He wouldn’t really-

The blade was at her throat, applying enough pressure to make her stiff as a statue. If she was capable of bleeding, there’d be a trail of it down her neck. 

_ So let loose those tears, darling _

_ Cause I’ll turn my back _

“No, no, please don’t-”

“Quiet, it’s my turn to talk,”

The blade against her neck stole any words or thoughts she had. He had to understand! She was so lonely, was she just to throw it all away?

“I’m done playing your game, Spinel, now we’re going to play by my rules,” At the end of his sentence, the blade was given more pressure against her throat, along with his hand on her head, angling it back just barely. Spinel again heard movement on the grass, him leaning forward in a way to keep the scythe dangerously close. When he spoke again, it was a whisper that made her shiver. 

“You’re so sad, you know? Even after everything, all you want is your Diamond. Wouldn’t you like to start over?” 

The implications of what he said terrified her. Would he make her forget everything? Forget...forget the pain, how nice that sounded. Forget the abandonment, her crimes, his loathing of her, him...him holding her, them on the beach, his kisses.

“Doesn’t that sound lovely?” Steven continued, moving his hand to stroke her hair, twirling the pink locks around his fingers. Even amongst the terror, it felt so good. “We could start over, and you can be how you were meant to be…” 

_ So tell me the story _

_ How you lose this all I’m guessin’ _

_ But don’t tell me you’re sorry _

_ I’m through with it all _

_ And I won’t be back again _

His words were enticing, and Spinel didn’t know what to think anymore. All she had wanted was to forget it all and start over, she could throw it all to the side and be with her Diamond as she was meant to be. A perfect little toy to be played with. 

“Wouldn’t you want that, Spinel? Hm? A whole new beginning, you and I,” 

Would she even deserve it? After all she’s done, just to throw it all away. All that she did to him, to the ones he cared about. It wouldn’t erase what she’s done, it wouldn’t fix anything. He would still know that she killed him, and she would be none the wiser. 

“I…” Her voice was shaky, and he continued to stroke her hair, waiting for an answer. “I don’t… I don’t want to,”

Like he was waiting for such a response, he tugged the pigtail he was stroking, the blade of the rejuvenator nicking her throat and causing her to wince. 

“Why not? Isn’t it fair? Take everything from me, and I take everything from you,” Steven presses his lips atop her head, grip still tight on her hair. She doesn’t bother turning her head, but she feels the pressure against her throat lessen as he lowers the weapon. Tears well up once more, all of his cruel words striking true. Her self hatred and love for him held her back, she didn’t deserve to forget. Spinel shouldn’t have the privilege to forget. 

“I-I… I don’t want to forget...our time at the beach,”

What she had said must’ve been hilarious, because Steven would burst into a fit of laughter.

“Is that it?”

“Y-you…” Carefully, Spinel reaches to her gem, taking out a familiar little thing. She cranes her head very slowly, shaky, with the most uncertain and sad smile she could ever possess. Shifting enough to allow him to lay his gaze on such a pathetic display. She holds out her hand, open palmed, revealing a pink little seashell. “You gave this to me…” 

Steven’s frightening diamond gaze widens only slightly, and he snatches the shell from her hand. That’s when she moves, trying to grab what was given to her. Steven chuckles, and she was too slow when he closed his hand and raised it above his head. His thumb presses the button of the rejuvenator, sheathing it and putting it in his pocket. 

“This? I forgot about this,” _ No, please don’t say that _, “What does it mean to you?”

“Everything! Y-you gave it to me..!”

Steven grins, yet his eyes show no signs of light, and he laughs at her again. “Ha! Wow, you really are pathetic, this thing is nothing but a pacifier to get you to shut up,” 

Her terror-inducing Diamond takes a few paces back, and Spinel is on her hands and knees, begging for her precious seashell. 

“How would you feel if I break it? Right now, with all its’ little pieces shattered in front of you,”

“No! Please, Steven, please don’t!”

He was torturing her, taking joy in her misery, for all the trouble she’s caused him. 

“It’s meaningless!”

“You’re wrong!” She finally snaps, rushing to her feet to reach for it again. Fully aware of her elastic capabilities, Steven snatches her wrist.

“Try me, Spinel, I’ll break it before you can do anything,” 

The distraught gem collapses, feeling him squeeze her wrist gently and rubbing his thumb over the palm of her hand before letting go. She holds her hand with the other, the littlest gestures making her discard everything else he does, but only for a moment. 

_ You’re breaking all the rules _

_ And killing all my self-esteem that’s left _

_ You take me for a fool _

_ You’re killing all my self-esteem that’s left _

“Do you love me, Spinel?” He kept saying her name, like candy on his tongue. 

Not even a beat passes, “Yes!”

“Do you?”

“I-I-I do!” Why was he testing her so? “I r-really do!” She snaps her head up, holding her hands tight. 

Steven’s grin fades but remains as a smile, seemingly pleased with her answer, prodding her further.

“How can you be sure?” His hand holding the seashell clutches tighter, making Spinel grimace in fear of it breaking. “Were you not just made to love your Diamond? Even after everything I do to you? Can you really call that love?”

He kneels in front of her, leaning in closely with a gaze that stiffened her entire body. 

“Is that not just some sick fetish? You just love to hurt, don’t you?” 

His smile is so gentle, unfitting with how his words sliced through her, slow and painful. Steven tilts his head slightly, bringing up his free hand to grab her face and reel her in agonizingly close. 

“So, do you love me?”

Spinel hadn’t learned, she didn’t consider what he had just said, and nodded slowly. He laughs.

“Wish I could say the same, _ Spinel _ ,” Her tears couldn’t be stopped, but there wasn’t any time to muster up a reply as his lips were on hers. Steven giving her what she wants just before completely breaking made it clear it was all intentional. Spinel was frozen, unmoving, so he moves his hand to the back of her neck to lean her into it. Her teary eyes flutter closed and her fidgety hands move to grab the collar of his jacket, which he allowed. He just admitted he didn’t love her, _ couldn’t _love her. The words alone made her cry, but internally she was wailing, yet unable to pull away or push him off. This is what she wanted, and it hurt worse than anything that it didn’t come from the reason she wished it did. It was unbearable, but all she could do was pretend. Pretend like he didn’t mean it, pretend like he was just messing with her, this was all a part of that horrible game and if she remained strong she would win. 

Painful, this was too much to bear, but she supposed he was right-- like always. She loved to hurt. Spinel ran towards it, as much as she denied she would. 

She wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted, but when she opened her eyes, she found herself staring into his. It made her shudder. How cruel, the sheer lack of passion or love, yet her grip on his collar tightened, begging for her to be wrong. Steven sensed everything, saw the desperation in her eyes, and smiled against her lips before finally pulling away. 

Spinel never let go of his collar, but her grip slacked as he leaned away from her, still smiling. Her eyes dart down when he shifts, moving his closed hand in front of her. She wanted to wrestle him for it, take it back by whatever means necessary. It was hers! He gave it to her! Didn’t that mean anything to him?

“Don’t base your happiness on a single thing, Spinel, it’s a recipe for destruction,”

Letting go of his collar, she held her hands out, begging for her item. “Please…” 

He stared down at his closed fist, unimpressed. “You never learn, do you? This thing means nothing. There’s no value, it’s something I picked from the Earth and there’s much more just like it, it means **nothing**.”

She couldn’t take it anymore, it was all too much. “Then why?!” 

Clearly only expecting her to break down in a fit of tears, Steven looked surprised, but he let her continue.

“W-why bother…! With anything! With-.. with me?! If it all means nothing, why?!” Her hands slam onto the ground, looking onto him with wild, spiraling eyes, her entire face wet with tears. 

“Doesn’t it mean something, anything?! Why-why-why!! Why would you bother! Holding me, kissing me, why not just-- ** _leave?!_ **” 

Neither her nor Steven knew when her tirade would end, it was all coming undone.

“I’ve been nothing but...a nuisance, a broken toy, yet you stayed. You hurt me and yelled at me but you stayed… why…?” Spinel lurches forward, uncaring of consequences, it was clear that she would take anything thrown at her. She was a toy to be used and abused, after all. She buries her head in his chest, taking a tight hold of his shirt and balling her hands into fists, bunching up the fabric. Her cries are unstoppable, she was inconsolable, shaking him back and forth with her hands gripping at his clothing. Spinel half expected a hard pull at her hair, the shattering of her seashell, his reprimands. None of it came, he puts the shell in his coat pocket and wraps his arms around her, letting her shake him and cry. There was always a little care to be given after her near fall off the brink. 

“I love you, Steven! So-...So what if I was made to?! I’m… I still feel it, isn’t that enough? Isn’t it?”

His hold tightened, making it hard for her to shake him anymore. “Isn’t it enough…? Why… why am I not enough? Why can’t I ever be enough? ...Why am I never enough…” 

Steven starts to rub her back, resting his chin atop her head and allowing her to break down again. Like she would over and over. 

“You really are… pathetic, aren’t you,” It was said less as a question and more of a fact. Yet his voice was soft, she was so broken beyond repair. He had no use for a broken toy, but he remained regardless. Perhaps beyond his Diamond cruelty there was some care left for what was his, a need to fix things that weren’t his responsibility. 

Steven takes hold of her shoulders and gently pulls her away, her head barely raising to look at him, ready for whatever would come next. She would be ready, it would hurt but she would-

He cups her face, wiping away her ongoing tears with his thumbs before hastily pulling her into another kiss. It was so warm this time, so genuine, and Spinel didn’t know what hurt more. She didn’t know anything, right from left or top from bottom. It all spiraled around her. When he pulled away, he kept his hold on her face, placing more little kisses on her cheeks and a final one upon her lips once more. When he was done, he smiles again.

"You love me?"

"I-I do..." 

"Then I want you to bleed for me, Spinel," 

_ So tell me the story _

_ How you lose this all I’m guessin’ _

_ You’re looking so worried _

_ Can you feel it come undone? _

_ Such a pitiful story _

_ But I finally learned my lesson _

_ Don’t tell me you’re sorry _

_ I am through with it all _

_ And I won’t be back again _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the bleeding thing is probably metaphorical, or at least spinel hopes! who knows with this Diamond anymore


	8. Good Lord Knows That I'm Greedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel starts to wonder if her crimes were as bad as she makes them seem. She's not alone anymore, and she wonders that if she had the chance to start over, would she? The guilt weighs heavy on her shoulders, but after years of abandonment, maybe she would have done the same thing, just to feel something again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know some of you might have been wondering where i've been lately, i wrote a more detailed explanation here: https://spinelegant.tumblr.com/post/612182758829195264/im-not-dead-guys-just-severely-depressed
> 
> tl;dr: i suffer with severe depression and anxiety, sometimes these episodes get really bad and i tend to avoid the world around me entirely, it's a really bad habit i'm working on mending
> 
> song used in chapter: https://youtu.be/FLKYwrESHSs

_ Good Lord knows I was greedy, _

_ I didn’t mean to do it but I’d do it again _

The moments following the garden had bled into hours, the sky black, shimmering dimly from the stars. Steven remained with her, rocking her back and forth in his arms. Spinel’s crying had ceased a few hours prior, but she continued to clutch onto him, afraid of what would happen. She would relish the moment, the silence she actually found comforting. No words had been exchanged since, he had told her how he’d really felt, unable to love her. Was it really true? The way he held her, could it be the truth? She didn’t want to think of the truth, she had faced enough of it already, and was rightfully punished for them thereafter.

_ Good lord knows I was greedy _

_ Didn't mean to do it but I’d do it again _

  
  


It was unfortunate that he’d broken the silence, “We need to go back,” His voice was low, and soft. She only clutched onto him tighter. 

“We need to get the other gems back to normal,” 

“W-we can’t!” Her head shot up, fingers tightly wound around his jacket. “They...they actually like me, I think, if… if they’re back to normal, they’ll know what I did, and--”

“What, you think you’re the only one who has the right to know the truth? Is that it?”

His words hit her like a brick, and she responded by lowering her head in shame. He was right, of course he was right. If they were to remain the same, she would only deserve to be reset herself. 

_ Good lord knows I was greedy _

_ Tried to be nice I didn't mean to offend _

There’s a shift in his movements, alerting Spinel that Steven was planning on getting up, he was ready to leave and she wasn’t. Spinel tries to hold him down, and he lets out an unamused grunt in response. Steven takes hold of her shoulders to pry her off, her whines only gradually get louder with every tug.

“You’re such a child,” It was clear that she was emotionally drained, but it was something that had to be done. Even if not now, it would be eventually. Steven was a firm believer in ripping off the bandage sooner than later. The pain would subside anyway, better to go through it now. 

He wouldn't let up, however, raising the strength of his pulls to forcibly yank her away. Spinel yelps, thinking that for a split second she would be thrown hard on the ground. He didn't do that, though, just stood up and held onto her arms so that her shaky legs wouldn't buckle under her weight.

When they were both on their feet she lunged herself back into him, wrapping her arms threefold around his waist and burying her head just below his chest. Spinel hated the garden, she wanted nothing more than to leave this horrid place, but with the prospect of facing the gems in their normal forms was just as terrifying to her as remaining in this prison for another few thousand years, at least in this very moment.

_ Good lord knows I was greedy, _

_ I pissed it all away including my health _

Steven groans in clear disapproval and pets her head, running his hand down the length of her pigtail before taking hold of it and tugging it lightly, signifying her to look at him. She didn't want to, didn't want to see his scrutinizing gaze, didn't want to hear his harsh words degrading her. 

He would do it again, until her head slowly rose to meet his eyes. Steven was smiling, a wry, terrifying smile with a dark expression. 

"Spinel," He spoke, cupping her cheek and running his thumb over her black markings. "Would you like to stay here for longer? I can arrange that, you can stay as long as you'd like, how does six thousand more years sound?"

He made it sound like he was doing her a favor, her eyes widened, hands quickly reaching up to grasp his wrist, nuzzling her face in his hand. Her eyes were pleading with him.

"No! Please, Steven-- I can't, I can't stay here--"

"Then it's in your best interest to  _ listen _ ,"

She had to learn when she was allowed to act out, now that she had insisted on staying with him, being brandished like jewelry. Spinels' punishment was facing the consequences of her actions, and Steven had to do little to enact it, only leading her through each phase, letting her feel everything, all the pain and regret. He was the judge and the jury, and Spinel was found guilty.

He cupped her face with both hands, locking his gaze with hers before leaning down and kissing her. Spinel whines, always taken by surprise with his sudden gestures displaying some modicum of compassion, he knew exactly what he was doing. Making her face the bleakness of reality, leading her down the harsh path with promises of love and sincerity. Steven smiles against her lips, feeling her tremble with uncertainty filled him with such pride, knowing exactly how to mold her to his liking. When he pulls away he remains a hair's width from her lips. 

_ No, don't you tell us you loved us all _

_ We know it's not inside your soul _

_ If you even own one _

He was testing her, observing her, Spinel knew this but was powerless to fight against this. She stood her ground for just a few moments, relenting thereafter by pressing her lips back against his once more, wondering if her actions were acceptable. A dark laugh rumbles deep in his chest, feeling how desperate she was for the littlest bit of affection.

This one so happened to last just a bit longer, it was just to calm her down before the inevitable, rubbing his thumbs over her cheeks, letting her sink into it. She wanted it to last forever, but sadly, such a thing could never be. Steven pulls back with a sigh, patting her cheek and smiling down at her. 

"You ready?"

"No…"

Steven pinches her cheek, leaning in close, " _ Too bad _ ,"

She wanted to cry. How cruel, how terribly and awfully cruel. Spinel shut her eyes, blocking the tears that wanted to break through. It was clear her tears did nothing to ease the fall, to ease the inevitable hurt that would come through. She just wanted him to tell her that he was sorry. 

He already began walking towards the warp pad, and Spinel remained frozen, watching him walk away, further and further. She just wanted to be with her Diamond, and away from here, but either option was torture. Her Diamond was kind enough to let her choose. 

As he strayed further from her, uncaring if she were to follow, there was something strange that she noticed. Had it been there before? Spinel was usually following close behind, but perhaps it was something she could have missed. It was such a small detail that terrified her to her very core. What she noticed was that, besides the changes in his eyes, a lock of hair had shone pink. His physical form was changing, for better or worse, to that of a Diamond. He was beginning to look more and more like  _ Her _ .

_ And you don’t leave, _

_ And you say the reason is me _

Spinel wasn't sure how long she'd been staring, frozen in place, but her trance was broken by his harsh words.

"I can leave you behind, Spinel," 

"No!" She squeaks, forcing her legs to move and run to him like an obedient little dog. When she did so she saw the little smile on his lips. 

"You zoned out, there, what were you thinking of?"

"Nothing,"

"Alright, you can keep it to yourself, for now,"

How generous of him. Spinel didn't know how to tell him, or how he would take it. She wasn't even sure if he actually liked his mother.

He stood patiently, hands in his pockets, as she readied herself to step on the pad, her hands tightly bound together, evidently shaking from the dread she felt.

"Can…" She started, barely managing a whimper, "Can you hold my hand?"

Spinel just barely glances at him, soon as she did so she yelped and averted just as quickly, noticing how he glowered at her, at how emotionally fragile she was. Steven hadn't replied, but he yanked away her hand, gripping it firmly. 

"Better?" He asks, feigning care, voice clearly mocking her fragility. She only nods in response. "Good, let's go,"

They both step on the pad together, and Spinel lets out a harsh, shaky sigh. She knew that he knew she was trembling, as his grip tightened. He was there for her, as cruel and cold he could be, he was at least there for her. Not as much could have been said for Pink. Spinel shuts her eyes once the light flashes before them, and before she knew it, they were back in the house. 

_ No one’s perfect, _

_ No matter how hard you try, _

All she heard thereafter was silence, cold and bleak silence. It was a gift and a curse, sometimes wishing that’s all there was, and sometimes despising every moment she endured it. Spinel tried to imagine what it might have been like before, before she ruined his life, and changed him possibly forever. What sort of activities might have taken place? She can just imagine him smiling, laughing, enjoying his life with his family. What right did she have to take that from him? Because she was hurt? Betrayed? 

_ No one’s perfect, _

_ If you were you’d be Christ _

The house was empty, devoid of anything that might have been. Only the heavy spirit of the past lingered, choking her and making sure she never forgot what she’d done. It weighed on her, the air around her seemed to get heavier as time went on. Steven took no time to step off the panel, Spinel’s hand still in his. He knew that she would remain as a statue had he gone without her. 

She thought that she would have been grateful for the empty building, hoping to postpone the time before the inevitable. Instead, the silence mocked her, dread binding her down and making her legs feel heavier by the second. Any little creek in the wood brought her close to the edge, tightening her grip on her Diamond’s hand, to which he replied by rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. Spinel closes her eyes.  _ Deep breaths, nice and easy. It’ll be over before ya know it. _

Except that it wasn’t, the soft sounds of their footsteps that rang loud in this empty space was driving her crazy, to the point that if she listened hard enough, she could hear the house laughing at her. Maybe she made the wrong choice, maybe...being reset was easier, it was better than this. Than being eaten away. There was a tightness in her throat, a heavy weight in her core, like millions of tiny insects resided within her and she wanted to tear them all out. 

_ When will you fess up to all your lies, _

_ When will you start to realize _

Steven stopped walking, Spinel consequently bumping into him, dragging her back to reality, her eyes were wide with fear of his reprimands. Though all he did was look at her, cold, Diamond eyes telling her nothing. He never let go of her hand, instead, Steven dug through his pocket.

“Here,” He held out his closed palm, Spinel stared at it, unsure of what actions to take next.

“Wh--...” 

“Hold out your hand, Spinel,” 

And she did as she was told, fervently bringing out her hand, open palmed, wondering what he could be thinking. In turn, Steven presses his hand to hers, letting whatever object he had into her possession. It was small, and fit perfectly in her palm. Upon contact, Spinel let out a soft gasp, forcibly stopping herself from crying. He’d seen enough of that already.

_ No ones perfect, _

_ No ones perfect, _

_ If you were you'd be Christ _

Steven had given back her seashell, something that she thought might have already been broken during their spat back at the Garden. She lets go of his other hand to bring hers to her mouth, eyeing the little shell with a mix of joy and sorrow. 

“Maybe it’ll calm you down,” He said, the shell had a different meaning now. What he had said back at the garden, confessing his true feelings, his intentions. He still gave it to her, it was her little memento. 

“Thank you…” Her voice was little more than a whisper. 

“Are you ready?” Hands in his pockets, waiting for her response.

Spinel clutches the little thing in her hands, tight enough so that it wouldn’t slip from her grasp, keeping it close to her chest. She breathes in, calming herself down. 

“I’ll...I’ll catch up with you, is that alright?”

He quirks a brow at her, she could leave or stay, for all he cared. 

“I just want a moment, but...I’ll meet you there, I promise,”

Steven stood there for a moment, bewildered that she would even propose such a thing in the first place. Something must have snapped at the Garden, or maybe he was delusional, and she was just tired. He stood in front of her, arms now crossed, eyeing her up and down. His gaze always made her shiver. She was sure of this, if anything. Spinel just wanted to think, to properly prepare herself, she was mentally drained after the events of the garden, and after all that Steven said, it was probably best to have time to herself. 

Spinel watched him turn on his heels and walk away, leaving her behind to do whatever she wished. He knew her by now, and that she wouldn’t be gone for long. Seeing his form stray further along, she shut her eyes, knowing that if she were to watch him leave, she would only fall back into that spiral.

“See you at the cliffside, Spinel,”

“Y...yeah…” Her voice was shaky, keeping her eyes shut tight. “I’ll be there…”

Once she heard the front door open and close shortly after, Spinel opens her eyes, already gazing down at her open hand holding the seashell. She isn’t sure how long she’d been staring at it, she hadn’t felt kindness in so long, in thousands of years. Was her horrible crime such a horrible mistake? After all this, she’s finally with her Diamond. 

She’s not alone anymore. 

_ No, don't you tell us you loved us all _

_ We know it's not inside your soul _

_ If you even own one _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, y'all ;u; i'm a little worried it didn't live up to expectations, since y'all have been waiting for quite a while


	9. Trying to Explain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel gets the unfortunate opportunity to meet Bismuth and the gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had quite a bit of fun writing this chapter!! i'm a little worried about the pacing, but i hope y'all enjoy it anyways!
> 
> song used in chapter: https://youtu.be/C3nqKAw9vuU

_I was trying to talk to you_

_But you couldn't hear_

_And I was trying to explain to you_

_But you wouldn't listen_

_And when I wrote it down_

_You couldn't see what was written_

Spinel was sitting on her knees, staring down at the pretty little shell in her hands. The pink gem wasn’t sure how long she’d been there, stuck in thoughts she couldn’t piece together. She thought it would have been over, but this was unfortunately the first step in a long, painful downfall. The pain never subsided, she only felt emptier now, moving her hands to hold the shell close to her chest. It was her only grounding back to reality, a hopeful little thing laced with sad memories, like most good things. 

Spinel forcefully fought back the growing loneliness she began to feel, clutching the shell tight enough to let her know that she was real, as well as the world around her, she was incredibly careful not to break her precious possession, as her grip was not crushing. There was no need for air, but her chest rose and fell with each passing moment, it was something she hadn’t even realized she began to do, until now, noticing that her breaths were the only sound being made within the empty building. The fuschia gem perks her head up, little pigtails drooping atop her shoulders. There was only one thing left for her to do now. Everything, all of the answers were in front of her, neatly laid out in a tight line, her only job was to follow. 

Spinel had promised Steven that she would meet him at the cliffside, and it almost pierced her heart to think that maybe he couldn’t care less about her and whether she remained or not, now that he knew the truth, and heard her admittance to it all. On the other side of the spectrum, where dark and painful thoughts weren’t the only thing looming before her, however hard it was to reach, Spinel had reasoned that maybe-- just maybe, he trusted her. 

Or perhaps, even more believably so, Steven was well enough aware of her stupid, fragile being. Her desperation, her need to clutch onto anything, her fear of being alone. He was only pretending, only guiding her by puppet strings, allowing her to believe she had any freedom of choice. Now, that seemed, at least to Spinel, much more Diamond in nature. 

“No!” Not even a thought, Spinel stands, holding her hand out with the shell, open and in clear view. The other hand roughly grasped her pigtail, pulling it down hard enough that the corners of her eyes twinkled with the sign of impending tears, only from the sting of her harsh pulls. It was just a mere distraction, a way to rattle her head to organize her ugly little thoughts. 

“He-...he trusts me!” She argued with herself, keeping her gaze on her shell. “There’s nothing left-- for me to hide …. So-- so he trusts me…!!” Of course, of course! Of course that had to be it, she was laid out bare before him, cracks and flaws and insecurities, he knew them all. More than anyone ever could, more than she would allow, more than she would ever admit if he were not her Diamond. There was no hiding, not for him, so there was no point in lying, so it only made sense that without anything to withhold, all he could do now was trust her.

_ All ya ever showed was your inability to do ab-so-lutely ANYTHIN’ ‘round your precious Diamond. _

A storm would begin, a back and forth between her and her woes. She would only reason and dispute why she was or wasn’t completely despised. 

“W-well!! I’m...I’m getting better..!”

A moment passes.

_ Am… Am I really..? What if this is just… just- _

“Shut up! I can… worry about that later, I shouldn’t keep Steven waiting,”

_ What does he know about waiting, anyways. _

A soft sigh echoed softly throughout the home, dispersing as soon as it began, though still startling the little gem with how empty the residence was. Making her lift her head up and look around, feeling deeper sorrow and regret. There was no time for her self-pity, she thought, as she had pitied herself quite enough. Of course, there was time for it later, when Steven probably won’t be standing there, or doing whatever he was doing. Spinel readies herself, straightening her back and shoulders, tucking her little shell deep and safe within her gem.

_ She was ready, she was going to be okay…. Everything will be fine…  _

Her thoughts were broken through, an otherwise subtle and unnoticeable noise that, if not for the silence, would have never been noticed. In response, the pink gem sharply cocked her head towards the noise, eyes wide with fearful anticipation. Spinel’s little unrest was swiftly interrupted, and what came forth was only pure and unadulterated anxiety. A little jingle, a shuffle, the rattling of a doorknob that froze her in her tracks. It couldn’t possibly be Steven, no-- maybe, perhaps Pearl? Or, or--

“See?” A voice she’d never heard before, almost nasally, higher pitched, “I told you, everything’s f-” 

Spinel stood there, flabbergasted and afraid. It was a...a Peridot? That’s only if she remembered her gems right, she  _ was  _ in complete isolation for most of her existence, even when Pink was around, all she knew was Pink. 

“Who are you?” The Peridot, eyes wide, interrogated, looking perplexed, if not a bit fearful herself. 

Not long after, the rest started tumbling through.

_ “Who is it?” , “Is Steven there?” , “Move it, coming through!”  _

Spinel wanted desperately to escape, but the only action she took was stiffening her body and her face twisting into a frown. A few moments pass and the Peridot is shoved by a blue gem, followed by what was clearly a Bismuth. 

Gaze rapidly shoots at all of them, all wearing the same shocked, perplexed expression, frozen still, digging through their heads for answers. The gems all stared at each other for quite some time, questioning eyes boring through Spinel’s gem to the point that she was sure it would crack under the pressure. 

A beat passes, and someone else enters the room, quickly shifting Spinel’s fearful and confused face to that of a horrid, angry scowl. 

“ ** _YOU!_ ** ” Her whole body shifts the moment she sees him, “I thought… I told ya to keep your mouth _ SHUT, MISTAH GREG! _ ” 

The change would have given anyone else whiplash, how quickly Spinel went from small and afraid, to twisted and gnarled. Pigtails jagged and long, signifying the sheer anger that encompassed her, her eyes spiraling and fists sizing up to attack. Her form was hunched over and her teeth clenched. The wild gem bent her knees, coiling herself down to spring forth and throw a volley of punches. 

“Nobody likes a liar, Greg!” She was midway through the air, anger only pointed at him, making quick note of the fear on his face moments before she was harshly yanked back on the ground. Her face hit the wood panelling with a loud thump, followed soon after with a harsh grunt and hissing through gritted teeth. 

A large body of water had wrapped itself around her form, holding her in place. Massive, watery fingers firmly keeping her in place as she snarled and struggled. There was nothing but rage in her face, rabid and ready to rip and tear. 

“You thought I wasn’t going to tell anyone?!” Greg the human looked honestly flabbergasted, “Steven’s my son!” 

“You promised!” The beast named Spinel snapped, even in her rage, she was inwardly a child, believing pinky promises to be gospel. How could he? Sure, she did attack him and try to kill him, but he made a promise! 

“Oh,  _ come on _ !” Her head snapped to the voice, the blue gem holding her arms, controlling the water that held her there. “You try and kill him and you think he wouldn’t tell us?!”

The green one stomped her foot, “Yeah! He may be a dumb human, but he’s not  _ that  _ dumb!” 

As the tension rose, so did the amount of voices multiply, all piling up on each other, leaving Spinel to understand nothing, only hearing everyone screaming at her all at once. She tried to interpret their words, looking at all of them individually but it was all moving so fast, all noises were interchangeable, incomprehensible. Both the green and blue gems were yelling at her, and the Bismuth only leered down at her, face in clear disgust and disapproval. Horrible, incorrigible! 

Spinel continued to struggle, shutting her eyes and trying her damndest just to tune the white noise out of her head. 

“Stop… Stop..! Shut up!!” Her pleas fell on deaf ears, as her begging either went completely unheard, or otherwise ignored. 

_ “Wh…. you?!” _

_ “What-... thinking?!” _

_ “...-problem?!”  _

_ “... … attack… … ?” _

_ “ … did you attack-” _

_ “Where is-” _

_ “Who--” _

_ “Where--...” _

_ “...-St…. _ _ ven!” _

_ “... _ _ Ev..en..-” _

** _“...-ST_ ** ** _EV_ ** ** _EN?”_ **

White noise screeching to a haltering stop, Spinel snaps her head up, eyes wide and listening. What were they saying? She heard his name, what were they talking about? Her pigtails drooped, face fearful and crestfallen. 

“Steven?! Wh--... What about him?!” The voices never ended, only the human seemed to sense her turmoil, reading the pain ladened on her face. He glances at the Bismuth, who responded with a look of confusion. “Did you see him?!” 

_ Is he mad at me?! Does he hate me? _

Nobody was listening, only that human, and maybe the Bismuth, who looked around at the two others yelling at poor Spinel, the little soon to be known murderer. 

“Guys...Maybe we should-...”

_ “Why did you attack?!” “Where did you come from?!” _

The anger that made its home within Spinel had been replaced by desperation, pleading with the human while she was trapped in this hold. 

He stepped forward, holding his arms out to signal for them to just stop yelling. “GUYS!” 

The two finally went silent, though the Lapis was still holding her arms out to hold Spinel captive. They were looking at Greg, almost annoyed that he had interrupted their interrogation. When he knew that he had the stage, he relaxed, shoulders sloping and his arms at his sides. 

“I think we should all calm down, she looks really scared right now,”

“Yeah, she should be,” Lapis interrupted.

“Not when we want to talk to her!” 

Why was he being so nice? This was the second time she tried to hurt him, and now that she was nothing but a scared little beast, he was willing to let her explain herself.

But… how could she? What could she even say?

It was about time the Bismuth spoke up, taking a step forward and patting Greg on the shoulder.

“Are you willing to talk?”

Spinel looked forlorn, fronting her gaze down to the floor.

“Y...Yes,” There was no other option, they were delaying her meeting with Steven, as much as she dreaded the occasion, this was arguably worse. 

“Alright,” Bismuth said, hands on her hips and gesturing towards Peridot, “You know what to do, Dot,” 

They had  _ nicknames? _ Spinel wanted Steven to give her a nickname, well- as long as it was nice. Spinel starts to think of all the cute names he could give her, and the ones she could give him. That was until she was snapped back to reality when Peridot pulled some metal bars from her gem.

“What are you planning on-- HEY!” She was promptly lifted from the ground, the water not even letting her writhe around like she wished, how her limbs ached to move. Bismuth took no time taking the bars from Peridot, pushing them in the water with ease, even though all she could do against it was struggle. The first, smaller one was on her neck, and Peridot soon held her arms out, forcing the metal to bend and wrap around once around her throat, moving down under her arms before tightening over her shoulders.

“What are you--” She was clearly afraid, she couldn’t handle being still much longer, but they were forcing it upon her, not that she had any room to complain. 

“This is just for our safety,” Bismuth noted, “Yours included,” 

The next group would wrap around her chest, keeping her arms firmly locked in place. The metal prison captured every length of her body, ensuring she had no chance of movement. Spinel was only freed from the water once she was entirely secured. Bismuth was kind enough to set her down gently instead of letting her fall back to the floor. 

“Let me go! I won’t attack anymore, I promise!”

“Good job, Peri,” Bismuth gave the green gem a thumbs up, who responded in kind, scratching the back of her head and grinning, happy to be praised. They were ignoring Spinel again, up until she decided to stop trying to argue with them to free her. 

“So,” Greg began, in the nicest, not disappointed at all voice possible, “About Steven…”

The fuschia gem’s pigtails perked like a bunny rabbit, up and alert. “Steven! Have you seen him? Did he say anything?”

Lapis quirked her brow, “No, we haven’t seen him, we just immediately came here,”

“You gonna make him hate me?” Her eyes spiraling again, the prospect alone making her frightening again. “Make him leave me, huh?!” 

They all looked rather perplexed, making quick glances at each other before looking back at her. 

“What on Earth are you going on about?” Peridot inquired, not even looking at her as she asked. 

“Steven doesn’t hate anyone,” Lapis crossed her arms, taking a step back to stand besides Peridot. 

Greg appeared disturbed, his uneasy face aligning with how Bismuth looked. This didn’t sound like Steven, not the Steven she knew. Spinel knew that, in their minds, Steven was that smiling sweetheart she saw before swiftly ending it. 

“Hey hey…” Greg held his hands up, trying his best to smile against how unsure he was about everything, “It’s okay, why would Steven hate you?” 

Spinel dips her head down, how would she even begin to explain? Why was everything so sour, so bitter. She once again would try to struggle against her captivity. 

“It was an accident! I didn’t mean to..-”

“Mean to what?” 

“Lapis,” Bismuth intruded before she could say more, “Let her talk,” 

Lapis didn’t look very happy about it, but she complied, snapping her gaze away from Spinel with her hands on her hips. 

Spinel closes her eyes, trying her hardest to find the right words, which was a task in of itself with how the bars were squeezing any comprehensible thought out of her. 

“Is Steven okay?” Bismuth asked, her voice was softer now, not trying to scare the pink gem any more than she was. 

“Yes! I-I mean, I haven’t seen him, so… so I hope he is, and isn’t upset with me-- well, he was upset with me-- at first! But-but, we talked it out!” 

Greg sighed, like her fears were all uncalled for and that the Steven she was so afraid of before was all constructed in her head. She had drawn an image for them that she was just paranoid about nothing, that Steven wouldn’t be so cruel as to incite fear in her heart. The human kneels down to talk to her more closely now, and Spinel would have reeled herself back if not for her present predicament. She looks up at him, and the cut on his cheek that she left, it was hard to look at now, so she averts her eyes in shame.

“Sorry ‘bout that…” 

“Huh?” He quirks his brows before raising his hand up to feel his face, “Oh! Hey, it’s no problem, two out of the three here also tried to kill me at some point,” 

Greg looks back at the other gems, smiling, and Spinel noted they all looked pretty embarrassed about it. 

“Haven’t we all tried to kill Steven?” Bismuth added, humor ladened in her voice. “It took me like, a day to get over it,”

“Pfft, yeah, it took me months to stop trying to kill Steven,” The green gem laughs, the heavy air was rising slowly, leaving Spinel with a bad taste in her mouth.

_ No, you don’t understand. _

“I’m  _ still  _ on the fence about it,” Lapis chuckles with a hand over her mouth, all three of the gems had their little moment of laughter. It only brought little comfort, just in the fact that maybe Spinel could be free from this, but they didn’t know the whole picture. 

She knew she wasn’t giving the whole truth, but she had all the reason to! If they knew everything, they wouldn’t let her go, this was the safest option. Spinel had to do everything in her power to ensure that she could stay with Steven. 

They were talking amongst themselves now, and the gem felt out of place, being left out of the punchline to a joke, or she was the punchline itself. Greg, however, looked back at her, smiling.

“So… we good now?”

Spinel wasn’t too sure about that, but if it got her out of these bars and allowed her to finally see Steven, she would agree to anything.

“Yeah… We’re good…”

_ I guess.  _

“Promise you won’t attack Greg again?” Bismuth knelt beside him, locking her gaze with Spinel’s to sense any lies.

_ Like he promised to not tell you? Sure, why not. _

“I promise,”

“All right, any funny business and you’re back in the bars,”

“I think you mean-- Funny _ Bismuth _ ,” Lapis laughs at her own joke, Bismuth looks back with a smile.

“Lapis, this is serious,” Her words worked against her, as she couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

_ Shut up with these stupid jokes and let me go! _

Spinel was growing impatient, eyes narrowing and face stuck in a pout. They were taking too long, she just wanted to see Steven, even if he would be upset with her she wanted to hug him tightly and press her face against his chest. She was at first, testing herself to show Steven she could be independent, but this was far too long, far too painful. 

Both Bismuth and Greg saw the discomfort in her face, so Bismuth signalled to Peridot to set her free, while she had her hands on the metal to pull them off. Peridot held her hands out to control the metal as they began unwinding around her, and Spinel felt the immediate satisfaction of being able to move her limbs again. Once they were done, Bismuth took them away and tucked them in her own gem, ready for use if Spinel were to try anything again. 

She desperately wanted to spring back up on her feet, but knew that if she were, it would be counted as “funny business” with her quick movements. Going against every bit of her that wanted to move wildly, she slowly stood up, wiggling herself around as she did so. Noticing that when she was done, the gems and Greg had distanced themselves a few feet away, making her feel small and like a monster. Spinel holds her hands and slouches, she was supposed to be a friend, yet everyone was on edge because of her. 

The fuschia gem wasn’t sure who should speak first, as silence once again took over, making her wonder if they were expecting her to start talking.

“I…” She paused, looking at them for approval, none of them made any funny faces, “I was supposed to meet Steven…”

Now that everything was fine between them, or, as fine as it could possibly be with their suspicions. Spinel was ready to go alone, run off to meet her Diamond. Instead, none of them moved.

“Okay,” Peridot spoke, “Let’s go,”

“Wh- but!” No! She wanted to go alone! That’s how it was supposed to be. Since it was settled they could all just leave her alone! “I… I wanna…”

“Sorry, no can do,” Lapis shook her head, “We need to see him. You know how it is, right? Gotta make sure everything’s okay,”

“Everything is okay!” She snapped, balling her hands into fists and before she knew it, they were all in fight or flight mode again, forcing her to reel back and look as submissive as she could be. 

Lapis took a few paces back, standing next to Greg and nudging his arm, leaning in close without breaking eye contact with Spinel. Her voice was low, a whisper, but Spinel heard her anyways.

“When you said she liked Steven, I didn’t know you meant she was crazy about him,”

Even though she was right, Spinel still felt the sting of her comment, how obvious it was that she couldn’t handle this situation, and how quickly she wanted out of it. Greg looked perturbed as well, but at least tried not to be so offensive about it.

“Well, everyone has their own way of expressing themselves, right?” 

“Listen,” Bismuth took a step forward, “Let’s just talk to him for a few minutes and we’ll leave, then you can have your alone time with him for as  _ long  _ you want,” 

She gave a side glance at Greg, right before giving Spinel a wink and a nudge.

“Bismuth!” Greg wasn’t too happy about what she said, which made Bismuth laugh, along with Peridot and Lapis. Spinel had no idea what they were insinuating. She would love some alone time with Steven, why was that so funny? 

When they were done with their jokes Spinel had no part in, she fiddles with her thumbs, being unsure of what would come next. She knew that if she insisted she go alone, it would just raise suspicion, so there was nothing else left to do. The uneasiness rose in her throat, and she felt sick. Once they knew the whole truth, how would they react?

“Okay, uh...let’s go, I guess,”

She took a few steps before stopping, making sure they weren’t about to tie her up again, only seeing that they were actually waiting for her to make a move. Spinel held her hands tightly, squeezing them to keep her at least a little bit sane. There was no calm before the storm, now, only hurricane after hurricane.

As long as Steven didn’t completely hate her, maybe it would be okay.


	10. The Guilty Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter also known as: steven goes feral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god how i wanted steven to just fucking. lose his entire goddamn mind, so this was really fun!!
> 
> song used in chapter: https://youtu.be/lTnYsTQaDec

_And thanks for branding me a failure_

_And for destroying what joy I had_

_The mantles cracked_

_And turning black_

_I found out I'm not the man_

_That I fucking think I am_   
  


_And you're just like a fucking ghostie_

_You trouble me when I try to sleep_

_The sombre way_

_You held your face_

_And we can never erase_

_All the stupid things we say_   
  


_And I hope that you're dreaming of me_

_The way I'm forced to dream of you_

_And so you've won_

_I'll get the gun_

_Cos we can never undo_

_All the stupid things we've done_

* * *

“Steven!” Spinel sprang forth almost immediately at the sight of him, once walking at a begrudging pace with the others, now in a full sprint to be with the one she cared about most. The four that had accompanied her looked bewildered, Bismuth nudging Greg that she was in fact, right with her intuition. 

Steven was caught off guard by the sudden voice, quickly turning around before a pair of arms wrapped around his waist, with Spinel nuzzling her face in his chest. Steven only responds with a grunt, annoyed with the advance, yet still bringing his hand up to pet her head. 

Spinel almost purred against him, closing the distance as much as possible, feeling his gem against her midsection. She expected him to yank her off, so she would take as much delight as she could from this moment. All he did, however, was wrap his other arm around her back, making her gasp lightly. If only she could see his face, and how uninterested and annoyed he appeared. She hums against him, he was so warm and soft and-

“After everything you’ve done, you think you have the right to touch him?”

Spinel felt her gem almost crack, instead, the white noise would rise again, and slowly, she lifted her head up from the security of Steven. Unwilling to face the horrors she knew were coming. Her face was painted with terror, unfettered terror. It was Pearl. Looking as angry as could be, form changed to how she was before Spinel came. 

Steven hadn’t waited for Spinel to come before trying to get the Crystal Gems back to normal, and he had told Pearl what happened.

The smaller gem started trembling, unable to look anywhere but forward, eyes wide and sight blurring. Her hold on Steven gets tighter, and he feels his hand on her head press her closer to him, with the hand on her back doing the same. She was some petulant child and Steven was guarding her, like Pearl were to yank her away from him. 

“Pearl,” Steven said, voice a low growl, “What did we talk about?”

“You’re talking to me like I’m some servant again!”

“No, I’m talking to you like you have some _ common fucking sense _,”

“Steven! How could you?!”

  
  


Spinel began to hyperventilate against her precious Diamond. This was what she was preparing for, why was she so scared? Maybe because Pearl cared about her before, at least enough to feel bad for her. Now, she could feel the burning hatred. The four that had come with her all ran to the scene, now realizing they didn’t know the full truth, as they all would look at Spinel and Steven with utter confusion.

Steven leans down and presses his mouth atop her head, just feeling her hair on his lips before moving only slightly to speak. “Calm down, Spinel, don’t make it worse,”

“I-I-I’m s-sorry,”

“Shhhh,” He was petting her head again, “It’s too late for that now,”

Greg approaches them first, eyes full of concern. “Hey, Shtu-ball, mind telling me what’s going on?”

Steven pauses for a second, lifting his head up to look at his father and the rest of the Crystal Gems.

“Oh, hello Dad,”

What came shortly after was a series of gasps, all at the sight of his eyes, bright pink and Diamond-like. He responds with a snide grin, happy with what’s become of him.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?” He began to dig his nails into Spinel as he spoke, and she wasn’t even sure he had noticed until she started whimpering as he dug deeper. Which he responded by lightening his grip on her, placing both hands atop her shoulders while she held onto him for dear life. 

She was most grateful for him not reprimanding her current state of clingy-ness, as he probably knew this was more pressure than she could handle, and he would rather her not poof in the middle of it all. 

Greg stared at his son for a moment, before looking to Pearl for answers, who appeared on the verge of tears, unable to bear looking at what had become of her little boy. _ Their _little boy. The sweetheart that the Crystal Gems all cared for, who brought joy in their lives, now swept away by the very gem he was holding. 

“What happened to you?” Understanding everyone was out of words, Lapis intervened. 

“What?” Steven was entirely uncaring of the situation, “I don’t see the problem here,”

“Bull_ shit _, Steven!”

“Shtu-ball…” Greg spoke again, “You know you can talk to us, right? What--”

“_ She _ killed him,” Pearl was tired of the waiting, she looked so tired and angry and hurt. She didn’t even wait for the initial shock to fade, Spinel went stiff, feeling the tears edge on and all she could do was whine against her Diamond.

_ “WHAT?!” _

_ “No…” _

_ “How could he…?” _

_ “...Die?” _

_ “But -- … Right there,” _

Spinel couldn’t decipher all of the voices and their sources, they were all on top of one another again, just like before. She knew this wouldn’t end well, and because those other four had to intervene, it was ending even worse. She was entirely aware of what she had done, the crime she committed, but was being repeated again and again, letting her know that her folly would not be forgotten. 

“Aw, Pearl,” He was smiling at her, trying to recreate his kinder face from better times, but she couldn’t even look at him, “You ruined the surprise, you’re really bad at keeping your mouth shut, aren’t you?” 

“His hair… it’s turning pink,” Peridot noted, only when he turned his head to talk to Pearl, seeing the out of place pink lock. 

Steven looked unimpressed as he brought a hand up to muss up his hair, “This? Yeah,”

He finally took Spinel by the shoulder and pulled her off of him, but still kept her by his side. Just so the jury could witness the guilt on her face. This was all just, so funny to him. He couldn’t stop that grin of his.

“It’s so troublesome, the last thing I want to do is look anything like her. But, that’s just how it is,_ I guess _,”

Spinel was looking anywhere but up, where their scrutinizing eyes were, she didn’t want to see it, she didn’t want to hear it. She would have been fine if it were only Pearl, like what was the original plan, to take it a step at a time. But all at once? Spinel was positive she was going to lose her mind. 

“Now, I wasn’t really prepared for Spinel to bring guests, so this is a surprise for me, and it’ll get real annoying really _ goddamned fast _ if I have to talk over all of you,”

Pearl had enough of this, hearing the way he spoke to the others, how he clung onto Spinel like he was showing off jewelry, some prized possession. 

“I can’t stand this-”

“Then go sit the _ fuck _down, Pearl,” He quickly snapped back, leaving Pearl in a state of shock and the verge of tears before turning on her heels and storming off. Possibly to find the other Gems, as Spinel noticed their absence once the pandemonium temporarily died down. 

Everyone fell silent, and Spinel had yet to get a word in, nor did she really want to, she just wanted it all to end already. 

“Steven…” Greg would try and reach his son again for a sliver of any humanity that might have been left behind, “Who is… Who is she to you?”

“Oh, _ this _ ?” Steven pulls Spinel to stand in front of him, and she had no choice but to comply like a raggedy little doll. “She’s my new pet, isn’t she _ pretty? _”

Spinel looks up at her Diamond, cheeks lightly tinted and unaware of what that word implied, only glad she was given a nickname and also called _ pretty _. 

Everyone looked positively revolted, especially Greg, “Steven, you don’t--”

“Now, she caused a lot of problems I gotta clean up,” Spinel bites her now quivering lip, having all of her crimes laid out in front of everyone. He took hold of her wrist and began to twirl her around, forcing her in a little dance while everyone watched the show, horrified. 

At the end of it she was in front of him again, the world around her didn’t exist, Spinel was nothing but a doll in this moment, her vision blackening and all she could hear was white noise and the sound of Steven’s voice, preaching to the world of her wrongdoings. She felt him lean down, one arm snaking around her neck while the other around her abdomen, just below her gem. All she felt she could do now was shut her eyes and pretend everyone wasn’t staring at her and Steven.

“But don’t be too mad at her!” He rests his face atop her head, almost nuzzling her like she had done before this chaos. As he spoke, his grip tightened, arms coiling around her in a vice. She had lost the ability to breathe, and was thankful that she had no need to. “She didn’t mean to, after all,”

"S..Steven..?" Spinel ignored the choking and how tight his hold was, she was so, so very worried about him, how he seemed to be breaking as well. 

"Oh hush, you're the reason this is all happening, you know?"

"I'm so sorry,"

"I know,"

He held her still, looking at the others for some response, unamused, uncaring, annoyed. 

"Well?" 

Bismuth took a step forward, dark eyes falling upon little Spinel, "You lied to us,"

"I… I…"

Steven laughs, "She didn't mean to! So that makes it all okay! Just another problem my mom left for me to fix!"

Problem… Problem… That was all she was, wasn't it?

"Steven! This isn't anything like you!" Peridot was a little more courageous, running up to him and Spinel, and even when their faces met, Peridot only ignored her, focusing only on Steven instead. 

"Isn't it? If a Diamond is all I'm meant to be, then so be it, I'm finally what everyone was comparing me to since day fucking one: _ My Mom _,"

Steven leans his head down to Spinel's level, nuzzling her cheek against his, "Aren't all of you meant to support me? Now you're all looking at me like some kind of monster,"

"Spinel here, so loving, and _ stupid _. She's the only one really accepting me now,"

His grip on her only got tighter, and Spinel, frightened as she was, took hold of the arm around her neck, trying to pry it off of her. She couldn’t hear him now, only static.

“Steven…”

Tighter and tighter,_ it hurt, it hurt _. He was going to crush her. Spinel shuts her eyes, mouth agape and whimpering as she tugged on his jacket sleeve.

“Hrk… Hurts… P-... Please--.. St… Steven..-”

“Steven, you’re hurting her!” It sounded so distant, and growing further, until the static in her vision was replaced by a black void, and the vice no longer was around her. Involuntarily, she falls on her knees, feeling herself to make sure she had not disintegrated from the force.

He was hurting her. 

He didn’t mean to do it. He didn’t realize he was doing it. Spinel turns her head to see him, and what she saw made her feel so small. Like she should have let it continue, let him crush her until she dissipated. 

Steven was looking down at his hands, wide eyed and petrified, it wasn’t until now that she saw the bags under his eyes, and how he looked like he was somewhere else entirely. A few moments passed, and there was nothing but a cold and stiff silence, up until the moment he collapsed, and everyone was around him, calling out his name.

As quickly as she fell, she got on her feet and was swiftly at his side, reaching her hands out to hold him. She never got the chance, feeling a harsh push against her chest knock her back. 

“Stay away from him! This is your fault!” It was Lapis, glaring at the little gem with tears in her eyes. Spinel couldn’t deny it, she couldn’t speak against it, all she did was hold her hand to her gem and let herself cry.

“What’s wrong with him?! Is he going to be okay?” Peridot clutched onto the boy, and Lapis had her head on his chest, near weeping.

“He’s okay,” Greg assured, “He’s just asleep, I’m sure he hasn’t gotten proper rest in a while,” 

“Greg…” Bismuth had a hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay…?”

“Wh--? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,”

“Can’t imagine it,”

“We just gotta be there for him…”

\------------------------------------------

They had all brought him home, Spinel not included, leaving her behind and telling her to go somewhere else. All the glares, the looks of scrutiny, seething anger. She didn’t want to listen to them, but she stayed behind and watched them carry his sleeping form away.

She stood there for a while, before feeling a tug on her arm. When she looked down, she saw Amethyst, holding her hand and looking up at her with a worried look.

“Okay…?” There wasn’t much she could do with her little vocabulary, but Spinel offered a small smile, cherishing a moment of concern that someone held for her, knowing that it wouldn’t last, and that when the little purple gem would remember, she would hate Spinel too.

“Um,” Spinel tries to find the proper words that Reset Amethyst would understand, “Will… be okay… soon,”

_ I hope. _

“Amethyst! Stay away from her,” Shouted Pearl, Amethyst shifted her attention and began walking, still holding Spinel by the arm. The fuschia gem stood still, letting her arm stretch out for a while as Amethyst held onto it, until she would realize that Spinel wasn’t actually following.

“Okay…?”

“No… Can’t, only stay,”

Amethyst shakes her head, and Spinel looks away. Reeling her arm back from the little one, now holding it in her hand. 

Begrudgingly, Amethyst ran to Pearl’s side, only occasionally looking back at Spinel, none the wiser that she would be one of those who would deem her a murderer. 

Spinel was rather used to being still, waiting, seeing the stars overhead go by. She let all of the events play back in her head, all the mistakes and wrong turns, and Steven showcasing it all in the spotlight. It was in his right, but in the end, everyone’s focus was on how he had changed, and it made him angry, forcing the world to know of Spinel’s misdeeds. While the attention was on her, she felt only resentment, like the hero of the story was guarding the villain, and nobody knew why.

Slowly, she made her way towards the house, stopping a few yards away as to not be noticed. From the shadows, she looked through the windows, seeing the lights upstairs turn on and off after a few moments, presumably to put Steven to bed. When that was done, they had all gathered in the living room. A discussion was being had, and although Spinel couldn’t hear what was being said, she knew it was about Steven, and about what should be done with her. She waited, like she was so used to doing, until the hours passed and Greg, along with the others, finally left. Spinel was careful to stay in her place amongst the shadows, only craning her neck to see if they had noticed her, thankfully, they hadn’t. 

Truthfully, they had every right to hate her, but in their joking admittance earlier, they had all attempted to cause Steven harm. Spinel was, for better or worse, the only one who succeeded, and they all thought her worse because of it. At least she was paying for it, her rightful dues, while they had only let bygones be bygones, Spinel found herself on a higher plane with the acceptance of punishment. 

The hours had passed, with only Spinel waiting, biding her time. Blankly, she stares into the living room, noticing the white flash of the warp pad, signifying that they had all left. Spinel wondered what Pearl had done with the others, assuming to be keeping them in her own space, in order to keep them out of trouble. She was used to waiting, and it was clear of movement, she was tired of it. All this standing, she had done it for thousands of years for Pink, who never, truly cared about her. 

Her legs seemed to move on their own, moving forth towards the house, pace quickening the closer she got. She would see him, Spinel was tired of waiting, hating the fact that everyone only saw her as a parasite. 

Quietly she enters the building, making note of how the door creaked, and what floorboards made the most noise. She wanted to spring forward all the way towards Steven’s room, but she was fearful of the noise she would make. So, instead she walks quietly, remembering the outline of the house from outside.

The door to his room creaks open, and for a moment Spinel freezes, hoping to not wake him. She knew that he needed his rest and would hate to disturb him when all that she really wanted was to make sure he was okay. He was in his bed, tucked in the blankets, and he looked so peaceful. Spinel sat quietly next to the bed, just to look at him, and she hadn’t even noticed the small smile creeping upon her face at the sight of him. How sweet he looked, and how worried she was of him once he would wake up. 

Spinel kept her place beside his bed, and when his eyes slowly fluttered open as the sunlight began to bleed through the blinds, She squeaks inn stark realization that she had been there the whole night. 

Steven slowly turns his head, eyes half lidded and groggy, looking as though he were to pass out any second. 


	11. The Day After That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a while, Spinel gets to forget, and feel loved. Unfortunately, this sort of feeling never lasts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO!!!! this chapter gets really fluffy, and a tad bit spicy, it's not what i'm used to writing but i hope the quality isn't degraded because of it!!
> 
> song used in chapter: https://youtu.be/XVkKoM31gyQ

_ From this day on _

_ 'Til the end of time _

_ I'm going to leave all my grief and woes behind _

_ I'll drift and I'll go _

_ Where the wind blows _

_ Where life carries me _

  
  


“Spin-...el?” 

“A-ah, Steven! I- er, uh-”

“How long have you been sitting there…?”

She looks ashamed, magenta clearly painting her cheeks. “All night… I-I didn’t even realize! I just… wanted to make sure you were okay,”

“Hm…” He turns his head to look up at the ceiling, pondering something, “Come here,”

Her whole body becomes stiff, he probably didn’t mean it, still half asleep. Spinel waits for a moment, until he speaks again. 

“Come on,” He mumbles again, holding his hand out from the bedside to lazily gesture to her. 

Taking another moment to ready herself, she stands up and leans over the bed, placing a knee on the bedside and carefully leaning over him to reach the empty side of the bed. Growing impatient, Steven takes a weak hold of her arm to flip her on her side besides him, and Spinel yelps while covering her face. He was obviously too tired to realize what he was doing, especially when Spinel curls herself in a ball and covers her tinted face from view. 

Steven scoots closer, weakly wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her over him. 

“Ugh… My head,”

Normally, his headaches meant that something was returning to him, but now that he had remembered everything, she could only assume they were because she was around.

“I… can leave-”

“No,”

Spinel waits a moment, wondering what she was allowed to do. She looks around the room, noticing all the mementos of his life before, and when she peered down back at him, her face flushed noticing he was staring up at her with tired eyes. 

_ From this day on _

_ Until they come to take me _

_ Life won't break me _

_ Or grind me down _

_ I'll follow where the river flows _

_ Until I reach the sea _

Did he want to talk about it? How much did he actually remember? She places a hand on her neck, remembering the sensation of slowly being crushed. It wasn’t his fault, everything had turned in on its head, at least he had planned to take it a step at a time, her bringing the others, however unwillingly, must have thrown a wrench in the entire plan. So she thought it would be best to apologize, like she normally does, like he was probably tired of hearing.

“Steven I-- Ah!” As if he read her mind, and in order to shut her up before speaking, Steven flips her on her back, with him half heartedly laying on top of her. “Steven…?”

“You can let a moment be a moment, you know,” He groans in reply, clearly unwilling to talk about the night before. He places a few soft, lazy kisses on her cheek before nuzzling into her neck, arms wrapping around her waist. 

To be completely honest, that’s all she wanted to do, but she wanted to make sure he was okay, not knowing how much all of this really affected him. This weight on her, so unlike the vice she felt coiling around her from before, was entirely welcomed. Slowly, she wraps her arms around his back and closes her eyes, cheeks tinted magenta and a small smile on her lips. 

“I… I-”

“Don’t,” He stops her, knowing what she wanted to say. Steven props himself up on one hand, the other unwinding from her waist to caress her cheek before leaning down to kiss her again, only this time, his lips met hers. When she would lean into it, he would break it, just to hear her whine, and he would chuckle before planting another kiss on her lips, repeatedly, over and over. He would continue this little game, and she had nothing to say about it, being on cloud nine. 

The final kiss lasted longer, with him putting more weight atop her before trailing his lips to her jaw, and down to her neck. The surprise she felt made her gasp, feeling tingly when he kissed the underside of her jaw, and her grasp on him tightened lightly. Spinel knew that saying anything would probably ruin it, and she was sure all this affection was only happening because he was half asleep. 

Spinel half expected him to fully wake up and tell her to get off of his bed, but all he did was continue to plant little soft kisses on her neck, moving his hand down to her gem, rubbing it gently with his thumb. The emotions she felt were nothing short of bliss, being caressed and kissed, and her gem massaged. He was so warm, so comforting, she felt so secure under him, this was what she needed for six thousand desolate years. 

Steven continued to kiss her neck, dragging his lips downward towards her gem before placing one long, sloppy kiss on its smooth surface, causing a shockwave that made her gasp and tremble underneath him. 

“Ste-even..!”

“Hm, did you like that?” He lifts his head to look at her, eyes half lidded and lips curved in a small, proud smile. She had no response for him, face now an entirely different color than before. Maybe she liked it a little too much, that she embarrassed herself and he thought her more of a fool than she already portrayed herself to be. The arms around him reeled back so she could cover her face in a vain attempt to hide herself. 

Beyond the blackness of her vision, from her forced coverings, she heard him laugh. It was soft and airy and nearly made her gem pop out of her chest. The way he sounded made her squirm and wiggle and she couldn’t help but squeal a bit when she heard him. Spinel feels him shift his weight, and his hands at her wrists, forcing them to part so he could lean down and kiss her lips again. It was too much! So much attention in one sitting, she felt higher than the furthest stars in the galaxy, and her chest burned with delight. Spinel tries to cover her face again when he looks down at her, but he wouldn’t let her do it, keeping her wrists pinned on each side of her head. His smile was so snide she couldn’t help but feverishly shake her head, desperately trying to shake off the flush on her cheeks. 

“Stevennn! You’re so meaaan,”

“Am I?” He leans down again, dotting lazy kisses on her cheek, down to her jawline, her neck. He presses his lips on a certain spot on her neck that made her body twitch involuntarily, with how softly he was kissing her, she had felt rather ticklish, so Spinel couldn’t help but giggle, loudly, against her very own wishes while her body jerked against his.

“Hrk-... Spinel, stop moving so much,” Steven’s voice is low and demanding, but with his mouth still on her neck, his breath had tickled her even more, making her writhe and laugh all at the same time.

“B-but it ti-ickles--!! I can’t help it- Ah!” 

The funny sensation was quickly replaced by a sharp pain, one that was-- admittedly, not unwelcomed, as it made her twitch and tingly in an entirely different way. He had bitten her rather abruptly, since she insisted on squirming so much. 

“So mean…” Spinel feigns hurt in her voice, despite the enjoyment she felt, and she knew that Steven could see past her whining. Steven looks thoroughly unimpressed as she pursed her lips in a pout, trying to give him the saddest eyes she could muster. Of course he saw through it all, but he wouldn’t say it, he’d only roll his eyes and go back to kissing her. 

After the tenth or so kiss, he rests his head in the crook of her neck and closes his eyes, winding his arms around her again. For a moment, Spinel thinks he fell back asleep, but he was just being quiet, silently pondering.

“I want coffee…”

Her immediate response was obedience, “Oh! I can get you some coffee!”

  
  


He hadn’t moved, just left her to think on her words, and after a moment, she continued, “...I don’t know what that is,”

“Hmm…” It was like he completely ignored her last statement, “Can you make me some…?”

“Steven I don’t know what coffee is,”

“Just ask Pearl,”

“I can’t do that! I broke in!”

“Just tell her I said it was fine,”

“Steven!” He wasn’t even listening to her at this point, so she had actually begun to pout, puffing up her cheeks and flailing her legs in protest. It had lasted a while, and Steven groaned in response to her bratty behavior. 

A few moments pass, with Steven occasionally asking for his morning coffee and Spinel insisting that there was no possible way she could make it happen. They both fell silent with the sounding of the wood creaking outside the door, becoming louder with each passing second. Spinel’s eyes were wide open, and she had guessed Steven was the same way with how fast he got up.

“Steven? Are you awake?” 

“Goddammit, it’s Pearl. Spin- eh?” He couldn’t even finish his sentence before Spinel slinked away and rolled off the bed, landing with a small thump.

“Ow, my face,” It was a small grievance, as she quickly got over it and hid under the bed. 

From under the bed, she hears the bed creak, telling her that Steven was sitting upright now. In her view, she saw his legs, and the door opening with Pearl entering. An awkward silence filled the room, and all the events from last night returned in Spinel’s head, filling her being with guilt. The silence was heavy, and Pearl was standing there, probably thinking of what to say. Steven wasn’t fairing any better, as he had yet spoken. 

“Steven…” Pearl had taken the mantle of beginning conversation, and she sounded concerned. “How are you feeling?”

“...Fine, I guess,” He was clearly annoyed, wanting the moment to be over. 

There was a sigh, and another long stretch of silence, “I’m so relieved…” Pearl’s voice was cracking.

_ From this day on _

_ 'Til the end of days _

_ I'll deal with whatever is thrown with a smile on my face _

_ Roll with the punch _

_ With charm and grace _

_ I'll go lightly, smile politely _

Another long, treacherous moment had passed, and Steven was left waiting, hands on his knees, leg bouncing. Pearl took in a deep breath and brought her hands to her chest, right before lifting her shaky arm and backhanding Steven across the face. The loud smack made Spinel jump, eyes wide and hands over her mouth to cover her gasp. Did she just… slap him? Steven was no longer moving, instead, he was frozen in place and holding a hand over his face. It was obvious he was in utter shock, as he had no words to say.

“Don’t you  _ ever  _ talk to me like that again! Do you understand me?” There was clear anger in her voice, as well as pain. Steven had no response, still feeling the aftershock of it. 

Spinel felt anger rise up in her chest, steady, bubbling, it was hard to hold herself back knowing that Pearl had laid a hand on her Diamond and even worse, caused him physical pain. He had every right to be angry last night! How they looked at him, terrified, like he wasn’t Steven. The fuschia gem was trembling, forcing herself to stay still, knowing how angry Steven would be at her if she were to intervene. 

A beat passes, and Pearl rushes in to wrap her arms around Steven’s shoulders, holding him tight. “I was so worried about you…! I come back, and you’re so different. You have her eyes, your  _ hair- _ ”

“Pearl,” Of course it was a touchy subject, he had to stop her before she went on, lest he lose his temper again. Spinel had already begun to see the whitening of his knuckles as he clenched his fists, moments away from reeling back and throwing a punch of his own. 

“I love you, Steven, you know this! I just want what’s best for you,”

Steven remained silent, not caring to argue with her so early in the morning. There was nothing but seething anger in his eyes, he swallows hard, closing his eyes until she lets go of him, hands on his shoulders, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m sorry if what I said last night hurt you, but your actions were-”

“Stop,” 

She sighs, “Alright, you need your rest, anyways. Garnet and Amethyst are still…”

“We’ll get them back,” He would say whatever at this point, just to make her leave. Spinel knows this tone of his, aware of the vengeful thoughts swirling around in his head. 

“Right… Well, I’ll leave you alone, come downstairs when you feel up for it,” Pearl leans in to hug him once more before wiping her eyes and turning on her heels to leave.

“Hey, Pearl,”

“Hm?”

“Think you could get me some coffee?” He says so nonchalantly, forcing himself to be calm. 

Another beat of silence, this time she turns with a small and sad smile, “Of course, Steven, thank you for asking  _ politely _ ,” 

Spinel could practically hear Steven’s eyes roll to the back of his head as Pearl left. When the door shuts behind her, he slouches and holds his head in his hands. As if he had forgotten his little gem was still under the bed, he groans to himself.

“This is so fucked up,” 

Her heart cracks in two, and she was sure her heart gem would as well, his scornful admittance to the entire situation she had put him in. Spinel remains under the bed, hoping that Steven would usher her out to tell her that she wasn’t the scum of Earth, and the entire galaxy, also the whole universe. 

_ From this day on _

_ 'Til the end of time _

_ I'm going to leave cynicism way behind _

_ I'll trust and I'll go _

_ Where the wind blows _

_ Where life carries me _

The world remained still, up until the moment the door opened again to reveal Pearl, and a coffee mug in her hand.

“Here, I hope you still like it sweet,” Her voice was flat, forlorn, the sound of emptiness after a long period of grief. 

“Thanks,” He took hold of the mug, waiting for her to leave again before downing it in one sitting.

“Spinel, come out,” He waited a few minutes, gathering his thoughts before sitting straight on the bed. When she wriggled her way out, coming up on her knees and looking up at him, she saw that his tired face never changed, even after a full night's worth of sleep. The guilt that had returned was unbearable, but she had also grown used to it, soon realizing that it was simply a part of her now that she was forced to live with. Steven doesn’t look at her, his gaze is only forward, expression unreadable. 

The gem’s pigtails droop, and she gingerly places a hand on his knee, expecting him to swat it away. Though it appeared he was too tired to even bother, or perhaps he didn’t truly mind it. Her touch was something that told him he wasn’t a mistake. Spinel lets the moment pass, rubbing her thumb on his leg like he would do with her hand when he held it. 

_ From this day on _

_ Until they come to take me _

_ They won't break me _

_ Or grind me down _

_ I'll follow, where the river flows _

_ Until I reach the sea _

“Steven, I…” How many times could she apologize? But what else was there to say? Were she just to let it go, and pretend to not care?

He scoots back on the bed before gesturing for her to get up, and she immediately obeys, averting her eyes from his face. Just a bit ago, she was giddy, feeling a certain joy that she couldn’t compare to anything she felt before. Reality always came back full force, so what was the point in chasing happiness? 

“I’m here for you, Steven,” There was no real point in saying sorry anymore, he knew that she was. 

“Like you have any real choice,” Somber, quiet, angry. But also empty, and Spinel couldn’t argue with it. Though the words came out as a matter of fact, it rang hollow and painful. 

“I…I love you,”

Not a second passes after the words left her mouth, Steven harshly takes a tight grip on her arm and yanks her over his lap, immediately wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in a tight embrace. Spinel lets the moment of shock pass before nuzzling into his neck, pressing herself into him to remind him that after all that she’s done, she wouldn’t relieve herself of this guilt, and remain with him for as long as he needed. She feels his breathing slow, telling her that he was seconds from losing it. 

“I love you…” She would say it again, softly, as shaky as her voice was, she would remind him again and again. 

“I know,”

_ From this day on _

_ 'Til the end of time _

_ I'll count to monitor the flaws _

_ That corrupt and foul my mind _

_ I'll seek to grow _

_ Although, although _

_ Right now I'm real low _

_ So tomorrow _

_ Or perhaps the day after that _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lived for that backhand, lemme tell you


End file.
